I HAVE A SECRET LOVER

I HAVE A SECRET LOVER

Yes, it’s true.  I do have a secret lover.  He belongs to me.  I don’t want to share him with anyone.  I don’t want anyone to know about him.  I want him to myself.  Alone.  I don’t even want other people to know he is with me.  Most ofTen I want him at night.  But not always.  And you know what?  Whenever I need him or want him, he is always there.  Ready to satisfy me.  My secret lover is FOOD.

I use food to feel the emptiness that I’m sometimes faced with.  When I use food to replace what I’m lacking, I never let others see me.  He’s mine.  All mine.  I don’t even want others to know this is what I do.  Because like all secret lovers, there is shame and regret after he visits.  A lover is a good thing.  Just like food is a good thing.  We have to have food to live; we have to have love to live.  But when it is done in secret, it is destructive.

I normally want my secret lover, food, in my bedroom.  I don’t want to talk to other people.  I certainly don’t want to share my lover with them.  I don’t even want them to know he is in my room with me.  How many times have I bought that food that was going to make me feel better and then had to replace it so no one in the house would know I ate an entire cake, or a gallon of ice cream or a bag of cookies?  How many times have I taken it outside to the garbage in the middle of the night, hidden in another bag, so no one would know?

I am tired of this secret lover.  He doesn’t love me.  He doesn’t like me.  He likes me fat.  He likes me miserable.  If I wasn’t fat and miserable, I wouldn’t need him.   He has caused me misery for decades.  Yet time after time when that hole deep inside just seems too much to bear, I really think at that moment he will feel me up.  He never does.  I feel worse after he is gone.

I have decided to get rid of my secret lover.  I thought about how I can do this?  I have to eat.  Right?  Now, I’ll tell you my plan but I admit I am very scared.  I have decided to never eat alone again.  No more eating in my bedroom.  No more eating at night when the house is quiet and everyone is asleep.  From now on, I am only going to eat out in the open, which is normally what I do unless I need my alone time with food.  When I stuff myself to try to fill that void. 

I am going to say good-bye to my secret lover.  As I write this I have to admit I am crying.  I’m scared.  He’s been in my life for 53 years.  But I know, the time has come.  Like any secret lover, once you truly realize that they don’t love you, want you and are certainly not good for you, you have to make a choice.  Do you do what is good for YOU or do you stay and keep accepting what you have been?

I am going to let him go.  I don’t want him anymore.  I want to be complete without him.  I want to find something else to feel that black hole.  And I am going to do it.

Good-bye my secret lover.  It’s time for you to go.

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

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STOP DIGGING AND MAKE A PLAN!!!

STOP DIGGING & MAKE A PLAN!

Sometimes I think we overanalyze when it comes to solving problems.  Ya’ll know that I have been dealing with overeating in response to external things affecting my life.  I’ve wrestled with it.  I’ve thought about it.  I’ve looked at it up and down and inside and out.

I just keep thinking, if I could just figure out WHY I do this, then I could fix it.

I was talking to my friend Ileene this morning about lots of things.  I brought this up and told her I didn’t care what it took I was going to conquer this.  Even if I have to go back into therapy.  Which I refer to as scab picking.  You know.  You heal for a week and then you go back in and pick the scabs till they bleed.  And for good measure you usually have salt poured in the open wound and then scrubbed with a brillo pad.  That is right before you are told, “You’re hour (which is really only 50 minutes) is up!  See you next week!”  You scrape your wounded body up off the floor and drag yourself home.  You return the next week to do it all over again.

Ileene wrote me the following, “Well, I think you have taken the 1st ....well actually the 2nd step toward recovery. The 1st is admitting there is a problem......the 2nd would be opening up and making others aware........the thing is, you may never fully understand just exactly why but you do fully understand that you do and the need for it to stop so you can move on. I believe all we can ever do is say "I think" this is the reason. Evidently it was something that started years ago and is triggered time and again......seems to me you have recognized what triggers it.....so that may be the 3rd step.......you are moving on up!!! As I see it, you are at the 4th step......as soon as the trigger happens, learning to redirect from wanting to gorge!!! See, you are doing great! It should be somewhat easier since you know it is coming!”

What really stood out to me was this:  “the thing is, you may never fully understand just exactly why but you do fully understand that you do and the need for it to stop so you can move on. I believe all we can ever do is say "I think" this is the reason. Evidently it was something that started years ago and is triggered time and again......seems to me you have recognized what triggers it”   This just makes sense to me.  Do we really have to dig and dig to find out what causes it?  What if it is more than one thing or incident?  Must we dissect every possibility before we can just recognize, change and move on?

Ileene is right.  I do know what brings on the binges.  It’s feeling like I have being taking advantage of and/or being used and not being appreciated.  I get it!  So I just need a plan in place for the next time it happens.  What can I do to make myself feel better without hurting myself?  Eating gives me that temporary feeling of filling the hole of unworthiness.  She made some suggestions:  go buy a new outfit, find something else that will satisfy you or pick you up.  There are things that could help me fill that void I have inside without punishing myself by overeating.  What I’m going to concentrate on in the next few days is making a list of different things I can do to feel the void without filling my stomach.  I know that one size fits all won’t work.  I need a list of things to choose from.  Dancing might work one time and not the next.  I have to build my arsenal.

I remember when my ex stopped drinking on January 11, 1981.  Whenever he felt that stress or feeling that made him want to drink, he would buy a pint of ice cream and eat it.  He said the sugar would enter his bloodstream quickly and give him that calm that alcohol had done.  I didn’t understand it but it seemed to work for him.  That first year I bet he ate 50 gallons of ice cream.  Until he was in the hospital last month, I doubt he had eaten a pint of ice cream in years.  It’s been 33 years and he is still alcohol free.

That is going to be me.  The next time I’m faced with a situation that normally turns me into a binging nut, I’ll have my tools ready.  And you know I’ll be posting and sharing how I do.  If I fail, I’ll let you know.  And when I succeed, I’ll let you know that too.  I’m in it to win it.  I want my kids to say when I die, “You know mom decided to stop binging in 2014 in response to her feelings.  It’s been 30 years and she died binge free.”  Yep, that is what I want them to say!

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com/?SOURCE=BLOG

A COUPLE OF NON-SCALE VICTORIES FOR ME

A COUPLE OF NON-SCALE VICTORIES FOR ME:

1. I can sit in ANY chair and cross my legs at the knee without it looking like a man.

2. I can sit in ANY chair without checking to see if it's wide enough or strong enough to hold me.

3.. Friday night I had to walk between two table (about 30 feet) with people sitting in all the chairs on both sides. I was able to walk between them without touching either side and I didn't even turn side ways.

These are much more important than the numbers on a scale!

Am I cute or what?

Copyrighted 2014
Caryn Cannatella

Join me on my last weight loss journey and Order your Skinny Fiber here:  www.caryncann.com

THE SWIMSUIT

THE SWIMSUIT

Since my first swimsuit at 16, every suit I have ever owned has had a skirt:  some short and some long, or what I call my “formal” swimsuits.  

The other night I was looking at swimsuits and thinking about what kind I would get after my reconstructive surgery.  After I lose another 60-75 pounds I am going to have all the excess skin removed, everything lifted and tucked.    My abdomen weighs over 25 pounds.  I know it does because I’ve weighed it.  My upper arms are the size of most people’s thighs.  My upper arms and abdomen are very much out of proportion to the rest of my body.  Close friends tell me that even now if those two places were fixed I’d probably wear a 12.  I don’t know.

While I am excited about having that petite body that has hidden inside me all my life be released,  I am having some issues.    It all surfaced when I was looking at those swimsuits.  I’m just not sure I could ever wear just a regular one piece suit.  The other day when I was looking at them thinking about getting one after the surgery, I felt like I was having a panic attack.  It just looked to me like the most private parts of my body would now be so exposed.   I have to say it terrifies me.

I know it probably stems back to several things.  Most of you don’t know that I was sexually abused as a child.  I’ve been through many years of therapy and know that this really messes you up.  Many times our abdomens become larger in our body’s effort to cover our genitals.    Is that what it’s about?  I don’t know.

Is it because I’m afraid of my own sexuality and how I would handle just having my body so exposed?  I just keep hearing those words from when I was twelve that I would become a whore or if I wore certain clothes I would end up being raped.  I don’t know.  I just know it scares me so badly that the first thing I want to do is eat.  Doesn’t really matter what.

I am trying so hard to live healthy.  Eat right.  Exercise some.  I want to be free of everything that has kept me a prisoner in my own body for so so long.  I’ve really struggled the last few days.  I haven’t gone crazy but I just haven’t been as focused.    I want to figure out what I have to do to work through this.

I’m so proud of the weight I have lost and the way I have done it.  I’ve lost slowly, I’ve eaten healthy.  I haven’t tortured or abused my body this time.  I just don’t know how to get through this problem.  I think I fear being a normal size because I won’t act normal when I do.    I think I am afraid of becoming that whore that will get raped.

I know it’s not rational.  I know most probably think it is silly.  Intellectually I know it’s not true but in my head that is what I hear screaming over and over.

I'll make it through this.  I know I will!

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com/?SOURCE=BLOG

LITTLE RED TICKETS

LITTLE RED TICKETS!

Most of you know that I gave up anger for Lent (No, I'm not Catholic.  I just like the practice of Lent).  It was great.  It wasnt until about 10 days ago that anger came back into my life.  Anger doesn't really want to visit me.  Anger wants to take up residence.  It's a battle at times.

I have to remind myself often that whatever I'm angry about really doesn't matter in the big scheme of life and most probably, I couldn't tell you what I was angry about a week later.  I rarely direct my anger at whoever has made me angry.  I redirect it to some unsuspecting soul who probably thinks I've lost my mind.

Three decades ago I worked for the owner of The Greensheet, Helen Gordon.  She was a formidable woman.  She gave me a chance to be in management and I'll forever be grateful to her.  She was stern.  She wore ultra suede suits every day of the year with 3 inch heels.  I worked for her 5 years and she wore a wig every day.  She smoked Parliament cigarettes and used a cigarette holder.  She believed in giving people a chance...her philosophy was, sink or swim, show me what you can do.  It was a great way for me to learn.

Anyway, we handled 100's of phone calls a day.  Most had been on hold for awhile so they werent always friendly when we got to them.  I remember one day Helen told me this story.  She said there was a man who was always receiving the anger of other people.  She said to think of them as little red tickets.  Every day this man took more red tickets.  He would stuff them down and keep going.

But one day, he just couldn't take it anymore.  He had taken too many red tickets.  And that was the day someone made the mistake of giving him one more red ticket.  And THAT person got all the red tickets he had been taking for so long.

This is why we shouldnt just take other people's red tickets.  Because some day we are going to throw those red tickets out.  Maybe, just maybe, what we should do is just refuse to take all those red tickets from other people.  Maybe if we could do that, we wouldnt have all those red tickets stuffed deep inside.

I heard Maya Angelou today say this, "Just remember, child, you arent in this."  If you aren't in it, let their anger just roll off you and keep rolling.

What do you think?

copyrighted 2014
caryn cannatella

www.caryncann2.com/

THE FOOD INDUSTRY WANTS YOU FAT!

THE FOOD INDUSTRY WANTS YOU FAT!

You know why.  It’s because the more you eat, the more they make.  It’s all about the money, honey!

We rarely ate out when I was a kid.  We ate at home every day.  Always.   The few times we ate at a fast food place (a burger joint back then), females got one burger; guys got 2.  The burger was about the same size as one in a kid’s meal.  It was meat (locally grown and butchered), lettuce, tomatoe and onion and maybe a slice of cheese.  The order of fries was about the same size as in a kid’s meal.

And it filled us up.  I think that was mainly because that is what we expected!

And now we see the results of bigger is better, dollar menus.  Eat more for less!  The end result is FATTER AMERICANS.  Even worse than that is the sad fact that are children are becoming fatter than ever.  Every year more and more teens are diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.  That used to only happen in people over 40!

Processed food, too much food and little to no exercise just doesn’t equal healthy!  Are you willing to kill yourself with food?  Even more importantly are you willing for your children to lose years off their life to satisfy the food industry and our own gluttony?

Oh, I know!  They have trained us well.  We need that dollar burger!  We love those 2 tacos for a buck!  Who can resist those 3 pieces of chicken for $2.99?  And what about those ANY SIZE DRINK FOR A BUCK!

Decide to become the master of what goes in your mouth!  You can eat healthy.  You can eat an individual portion and be satisfied.  It’s up to you.  When you do, you will be the example your children need.

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com

CHOOSE YOUR HARD!

CHOOSE YOUR HARD!

Losing weight is hard.  There I said it!  I know!  I know!  When people are losing weight, especially a lot of weight, some of them act like they never eat badly, they never do everything wrong, it’s just so easy peasy.  Sometimes they may even make you feel like they are judging you because you have not been “perfect”. 

Well, I’ll tell you, that is a big FAT lie!  Sure some days do not take effort.  Sometimes you don’t even think about food or eating.  But other days, well, it is all you think about.   If losing weight were so easy peasy, wouldn’t we have all accomplished our goals the first time we tried?  Or the 10^th time?  Or the 100^th time?  Don’t embrace those that would thwart your efforts.  If you eat something you shouldn’t or eat too much, just remember, it isn’t a failure unless you stay where you are.  Get back up and keep moving forward!

Here are the things that you need to do if you want to lose weight and some of these make losing weight much easier.

1.      Eat whole foods.  Cook at home.  When you eat out, you don’t know what they add to your food that pumps up the calories.

2.      If you tend to overeat, then portion your food out.  When it is gone, it is gone.

3.      Stay away from processed food.  Start looking at labels.  First of all, the best food are the ones with one ingredient, like vegetables, fruits, etc.  When you look at a label, what are the first three ingredients?  If you don’t know what any of those are, pass it by.

4.      Drink water.  Your body is 60% water.  If you get to the point of feeling thirsty, you are already de-hydrated.  Water helps with digestion; helps your bowels to move, helps your skin look better and feel better.  You cannot live without water.  It’s the best thing you can drink.

5.      Find activities that do not include food.  You can go to the movies and not buy anything to eat.  Theaters have convinced us that movies just aren’t the same without food.  Lol  Try it!  Instead of celebrating an occasion by going out to eat, go bowling, or miniature golfing.  Leave the food for your mealtime.

6.      Have healthy snacks already made up and available for those times you want to gnaw your hand off!  J  We’ve all been there!

7.      Start moving!  You don’t have to run a marathon or walk a 5K.  Just start moving.  Whatever movement you choose or for how long, it will help your body.   Start with 5 minutes a day.  Increase 5 minutes a day every week.  In 6 weeks you will be exercising 30 minutes a day.  And here’s a little secret:  When you start moving (or exercising) your brain releases endorphins which make you feel good.  You start to enjoy moving and want to do it more.  Oh, and here is another idea:  When you go shopping, don’t spend your time looking for a parking space right by the door.  Park at that back.  Every little bit helps.

8.      No matter what struggles you have with your weight loss program, use this as your mantra:  I WILL NEVER GIVE UP! 

9.       I know I can do this!  You can do it too!  I want to stop feeling like that hamster on the wheel of dieting.  I want off!  I want to be healthy and live healthy.  I’m determined to make this my last weight loss journey.  If I falter, I will get back up.  I refuse to listen to anyone who tries to put me down or keep me from reaching my goals. 

I know what my goal is and I am focused.

Watch out baby, I’m in this to the end!

Copyrighted 2014

caryn Cannatella

www.caryncann.com

LETTING PEOPLE GO

LETTING PEOPLE GO

There comes a time in everyone’s life that you have to let someone go.  I think most of us consider this a negative thing.  I don’t think it is.

The first thing I thought about was how parents, and mothers especially, have to let their children go.  I’m a mom and I know how difficult it is.  I struggle with it.  I try to remind myself how I pulled away from my mother when I started living with my ex.  Well, actually, I pulled away at 19 when I moved out.  I never told her where I was going, what I was doing, who I was seeing, etc.  I was living my own life.  I think it is easier when they don’t live with you.  With Ashlie, it’s easier.  She is off on her own and I’m still in her life but not as much.  Cody is living with me so I’m still in his.  I have to remind myself at times that he is grown and I just have to let him go to make his own choices, and, his own mistakes.  We all do although I wish they would just listen to me so they wouldn’t have to go through some of them.  Lol

Then there are the people you have to let go because they just aren’t good for you.  They suck the life out of you.  They use you.  They take advantageous of you.  They aren’t supportive of you.  They are negative.  They want you to be their friend but they have no idea how to be a friend to you or anyone else.  Sometimes you really like these people.  They are funny, fun to be with, and even likeable.  Some are even charming.   And yet, you still find yourself, over and over, having that conversation.  “I really need to let this person go.”  And hopefully, you will find the courage to do the right thing for you and you will et them go.

Now here is the difference in the two.  When it is your kids, chances are they will continue to be in your life.  You are letting them go for their benefit.  Yes, you have to let them go so that they can stretch their wings and grow.  They will be in your life but just in a different way.  That is a good thing.

When it is someone you considered a friend, it’s not the same.  What I have found is that when I let them go, they are just gone.  Gone until they might need something.  Then you have say that phrase that you have been practicing over and over “I’m sorry.  I can’t help.”    I promise you.  You aren’t their only safety net.  They will go find someone else to fill your spot.    Yes, you might miss the fun things about this person but your life will be so much simpler.  When you let them go, it will be like the sun comes out.

You will dread it.  You will put it off.  But once you take that step and just do it, you will know.  You did the right thing.

When you let people go you do it for one of two reasons:  to allow them to grow or to allow you to grow.  I’m ready.  Are you?

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com/?SOURCE=BLOG

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO BIRTH MOTHERS!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO BIRTH MOTHERS!

I want to wish a Happy Mother’s Day to all the birth mothers out there who, for whatever reason, chose to place your baby with an adoptive mother. The two birth mothers of my children, Ashlie and Cody, have and will always have a special place in my heart.

In Texas when you have a private adoption, the birth mother must place the child in your arms. How very hard that must be. Their pain brought me such joy. I look at my kids and always think, “their birth mothers would be proud of the people they have become.” My children are awesome!

I could not give birth to a child. These two women gave me the ultimate gift….the gift I could not give myself. I am so grateful for these two women I call my angels. So to Carolena and Veronica, thank you for taking that chance and giving me the chance to be a mom. I’m eternally grateful to you.

Happy Mother Days to all the birth mothers out there who made that very difficult decision to place your baby for adoption. From the bottom of my heart, and I know every other adoptive mother feels the same way, THANK YOU! Thank you for providing that path for us to have the experience of Motherhood and Mother’s Day!

copyright 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com/?SOURCE=BLOG

WHAT A DIFFERENCE 18 MONTHS MAKES!!!!

SEPT 2012 MAY 2014

When I look at my before picture, it makes me so sad.  I remember this girl.  She was unhappy in most every area of her life.  When I look at the picture of me on the right (taken 5-23-14) I can hardly believe it!  I see myself and think, "You are just too darn cute!"  I'm getting healthier, moving easier, I can dance for hours when a year ago I couldn't dance for 5 minutes.

If you want to lose weight, get healthy and change from the outside in, you need to make the decision to give Skinny Fiber a chance.

You are worth it!  I'm living proof!

copyrighted 2014
caryn cannatella

ORDER YOUR SKINNY FIBER HERE:  www.caryncann.com

WHAT IS THIS?

WHAT IS THIS?

When you are overweight you rarely see your body, especially without clothes.  We tend to ignore our bodies and just look at our faces.  Some of US only look at our eyes.  I used to be one of those people.  I knew I had beautiful blue eyes and no one could ever say anything bad about my eyes.

The other day I was in the bathroom at work and, don’t ask me why, pulled my top up to look at my torso.  I was looking at it and there was this pouch of fat in the center but not as much.  What really got me was there were these deep creases on either side of the pouch.   To be honest it looked a bit weird. 

I knew it must not be serious because I applied my theory of diagnosis.  You know, if you have the same thing on both sides of your body, it might not be fine but you know it’s not serious.  Now if it is just on one side of your body, then you probably need to visit your dr. 

Ok, so I just stood there staring at my torso with the two deep creases.  I ran my fingers through the creases.  Wait a minute.  It’s really hard in the ceases.  Soft in the pouch; hard in the creases.  I pressed down very hard in the creases.  Hard as a rock. 

And then it hit me.  I have muscles that I can feel!  There really are muscles underneath the padding of flesh.  When I put my fingers in the creases and flex, I can feel my muscles contracting.  I’m going to start exercising my abs so that when I have surgery, my six pack will already be there.  How cool is this?

So, I just wanted to share that yes, even under a thick layer of fat, there are still muscles just waiting to someday be noticed!  I noticed and I’m going to work hard to free you and let you out!  P.S. (Maybe I’ll take a picture so you can see this on my body!)

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com

Friend or follow me on Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/Caryncann

ARE YOU HUNGRY?

ARE YOU HUNGRY?

Yesterday I decided that for one week I would think before I put anything in my mouth.   I know some people might think that is so silly.  It isn't.  I rarely think before I eat.  I wonder if it is just me?

I never ask myself "Am I hungry?"  I don't eat because I'm hungry.  I think the last time I was hungry was in 1981.  I was dieting again.  My diet consisted of one hard boiled egg a day.  Yep, I know how not to eat just as well as I know how to overeat.    It was a Wednesday.  I was volunteering at a hotline that night.  I had been on this diet for about 2 weeks.  I had eaten that one hard boiled egg.   I was hungry.  That was probably my last day on that diet.

Anyway, yesterday I decided that before I eat I will ask myself, "Am I hungry?"  It was 12:30pm before I could answer that question, yes.  So I ate.  When I got home I had to deal with more crap that just sets me off.  I'm not making excuses; I'm just trying to figure me out.  I wanted something to eat. Now if I had had some protein cooked, maybe I would have eaten that.  What I wanted was that cookie mix or muffin mix but I could not find one of them!  So I rummaged in the pantry and there they were.  Marshmallows.  Well, I have coughing lately and I read that marshmallows were invented to control coughing.  I ripped that bag open and started eating those marshmallows.  I think I ate ten.  Now, I'll admit.  I don't really even like marshmallows.  So here I was.  My first day of my experiment and I lost it.

Several hours later I decided to eat dinner.  Was I hungry?  I was hungry.  I needed real food.  So I ate part of a chicken breast, 1/2 a baked potato and a small salad.  Even though I gave part of the chicken to Cody, I still ate too much.  I was miserable.

Now, I did pass up the peppermint patty candy and the cookies.  It was difficult.  I wanted them.  I wasnt hungry for them.  Didn't really like the cookies.  BUT I WANTED THEM!

Am I the only one that eats things when I’m not hungry?  That eats stuff that I don’t even like?

So back to it today.   When I woke up and got dressed, I asked myself if I was hungry.  I wasn’t.  I wasn’t hungry until almost 10.

What I’m trying to do here is listen to my body.  Just listen.  I don’t want to eat just to be eating or because someone put a bag of popcorn on my desk.  Or because my boss brought cookies, cake and peanut m&m’s from home because his wife didn’t want them in the house.  I want to eat because I’m hungry!

This is much harder than I thought.  And I wish I could say that just learning to eat when I’m hungry would fix everything.  I know it won’t.  I have a feeling this is gonna be a marathon instead of a sprint.

copyright 2014
caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com/?SOURCE=BLOG

CHANGE

CHANGE

When we think about change, we usually think in terms of big things:  losing weight, getting out of debt, getting a divorce, etc.   Small changes are just as important.

One of the best changes I made in my life was almost 4 years ago.  I decided I was going to make my bed up every day.  I had never done that in my adult life!  I made a rule that if I got out of bed to do anything, I was making it up.  I can’t tell you how much I love getting into a made bed at night.  It just makes me feel better.  I think it even helps my sleep.
Have you made a change in your life that might not seem big to others but is a big change for you?  If you have, share it with us:  why you made the change, how you did it and how it has helped in your life.

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com/?SOURCE=BLOG

THEN I WOULD BE HAPPY FOR SURE

THEN I WOULD BE HAPPY FOR SURE

If I were someone’s wife

If I had children in my life

Then I could be happy for sure.

If I had more money

If I had another Honey

Then I would be happy for sure.

If I owned my own home

If my kids were all grown

Then I know I’d be happy for sure.

If my husband were alive

If my children came by

Then at last I’d be happy for sure.

I’ve spent all my days

With the ifs in my way

Not caring to live for today.

The years came and went

And my life had been spent

On this two letter word of lament.

Copyrighted

Caryn Cannatella

1984

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DO YOU KNOW HOW TO CELEBRATE?

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO CELEBRATE?

Kids know how to celebrate!  Kids will celebrate anything and everything.  They jump up and down.  They yell!  They move their arms!  They make up songs and chants!  And then we teach them to be quiet.  To be subdued.  And those children become adults.  They become us.

My best friend is Marisela.  Even though she is young enough to be my daughter, she is like my sister.  We usually see each other at least once a week.  It doesn’t matter how long it’s been, we jump up and down, hugging each other and laughing!  This is when I most feel alive!  It’s a feeling that is hard to describe in words.   It reminds me of how little kids act when they see one of their friends.

Today I caught the tail end of Tony Robbins.   What he was talking about really crystallized why I love it when I see Marisela!  He said, “Emotion is created by motion.  You can change your state in a heartbeat.    You have the gift; you just aren’t using it enough.  You aren’t moving enough.  The trigger is MOVEMENT.”   He said, “Go into a peak state.  Celebrate with movement and noise.  Celebrate for no good reason.”  That is profound.  Most adults rarely celebrate anything.  Not with the abandon that kids do!

Forget about what people will think about you.  MOVE!  DANCE!  SING!  I am known for doing all three in the grocery store!  I will tell you 3 people from Skinny Fiber that I have met that know how to CELEBRATE!  It’s in their voice!  It’s in their movement!  It’s in their enthusiasm.  One is Ben Glinsky.  If you don’t get excited when Ben speaks, you need to see a dr.  lol  He makes you want to jump up and move.  Another that I met in Charlotte was Ury Melendez!   This guy could make the dead jump up and sell Skinny Fiber!  And the third is Lorinda Fleming.  Some of you may not know that this incredible woman and chef is in a wheel chair.  In Charlotte we had a dance.  Many people sat at their tables just looking miserable during the dance.  I wish that they had all come out on the floor and danced.  Well, Lorinda did!  She danced the night fantastic!  It is almost impossible to be down and depressed if you are yelling, moving, and dancing!

Apply it to every area of your life.  Instead of responding to “how are you doing?” with “oh, I’m ok”, try saying “I’m great!  Life is good and I am blessed.”  I can tell you from my experience that what you think about and talk about is what you are about.    Start your day with gratitude and acknowledge your blessings.  When you do, you attract more blessings into your life to be grateful for.

Everything in your life can be a celebration.  It’s up to you to decide, do I celebrate or wallow in self pity?  I lived much of my life in the pit of self pity.  I am now choosing to celebrate all of my life.  You don’t have to wait until you are Crown Diamond or even Platinum or Gold to celebrate!  Celebrate that you found Skinny Fiber!  Celebrate every notch your belt goes down.  Celebrate every sale.  Celebrate that you can see your collar bones!  Celebrate when someone thanks you for your posts.  You can celebrate anything!  I’ve been celebrating those 3 ingredient Nutella muffins all week.    Lol My whole family loves them and I just dance when I make them!

What are you waiting for?  Get up every day and CELEBRATE, CELEBRATE, DANCE TO THE MUSIC!!!

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com/?SOURCE=BLOG

I RAN TODAY!!!

I RAN TODAY!

When I was in elementary school we had track day every year. Only 5th and 6th graders could participate and we competed against 5th and 6th graders from all over our little town. The track day was held on the football field behind the Jr. High in May.

When I was in the fifth grade, we had tryouts. I made the relay team. Our “coach” was my teacher, Mrs. Billingsley. Now, Mrs. Billingsley was what we would call a plus size girl. I thought she was old but I’m sure she was only in her 40’s. Anyway, she was a great coach. She taught us how to handle that baton so we never dropped it and could smoothly hand off at the end of our run. She had a stop watch and she timed us every day. We practiced every day at recess (we called it play period cause we played) for about a month. No after school practice allowed. I was so proud to be on that relay team because I was, of course, the biggest girl on the team. Our relay team won FIRST PLACE! I loved that blue ribbon. I think I still have it in my buffet.

That was the last time I ran and that was 50 years ago. Until today.

You see, when I go to therapy they have me walk on the treadmill for 3 minutes. I’ve been doing it and sometimes I walk for 10-15 minutes. I raise my speed when I’m on it. Today I got on that machine and took a few steps and suddenly, I STARTED RUNNING! Now, I’m not gonna say it was fast but I was running! I was bouncing up and down with my feet coming off that treadmill! I couldn’t believe it! Me! Running! I thought ok, I’ll run for 10 seconds. Then 20 seconds. I just kept going and when I got to 2 minutes and 30 seconds, I knew I could make it to the end!

I tell you, I felt like that 10 year old girl running relay for Herty Elementary. I WAS A WINNER! I felt great! I felt like a champ! And I felt like I had won a blue ribbon! I’m going to start running. I’m going to walk and then run; walk and then run. Today I ran a tenth of a mile! My goal is to run a mile!

Here is my challenge to you. What is it that you have been wanting to do that you just don’t think you can do? Comment below and then decide to just TRY! Start and do a little and then build on it. I have to tell you I’m in tears just writing this. I never ever in my life thought I would run again. Not at my age. BUT I DID! YOU ARE NEVER TOO OLD TO TRY!

copyrighted 2014

www.caryncann.com/?SOURCE=BLOG

ARE YOU BLOWIN' IN THE WIND?

ARE YOU BLOWIN’ IN THE WIND?

This morning when I was driving to work, I was stopped at a red light.  Across the way I saw a black trash bag blowing down the street.  When I saw that bag I thought, “Look at that bag.  It’s just blowin’ in the wind.  No cares, no problems.  It is going where the wind takes it.”

At first I thought, how lucky to be free like that bag.  Just blowin’ in the wind.  Going where the wind blows.  Then a little voice inside says, “Are you just blowing in the wind?”

A lot of us are just blowin’ in the wind.  We have no direction.  We don’t know where we are going.  We aren’t focused.  We don’t know where we want to be in a year or even a month.  We are just waiting for something magical to happen while we are blowin’ in the wind.   Listen to those who are where you want to be!

Lots of people have good ideas for increasing business or improving their life.  But you can’t jump on every new idea that comes along.  Above all else, you have to be consistent in whatever you are doing.  You can find good ideas for getting more business.  However, if you try to do them all, you are scattered.  You will lose your focus.  Just pick one.  Give it 3 months to see if it is a good fit for you.    What works for one dt might not work for you.  What works for one business might not work for another.

Don’t be that bag blowin’ down the street wherever the wind takes it.  Be focused.  Have direction.  And follow the lead of those who are already successful.   If you choose not to follow  sage advice, then enjoy blowin’ in the wind.  It will get you somewhere, but not where you want to be.


copyrighted 2014
caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com/?SOURCE=BLOG

THE PAST, HURT AND FORGIVENESS

THE PAST, HURT AND FORGIVENESS

We have all had hurts in our lives.  Sometimes we think we are the only people in the world who have been through what we have.

Some of us have had worse things happen to us than others.  Sometimes we think they are worse than everyone else until.  Yep, until we meet someone who has been through worse.

I ran a hot line back in the 80's and 90's for people who had survived extreme abuse.  I would listen to their stories and thank God that I had not lived it.  Every time I listened to a caller I would think, "I'd rather have lived my life."   

And you know what happened?  I begin to heal.  Slowly but surely, I begin to heal.  I finally got to the point that I was able to forgive those who had hurt me so deeply.  Now, I'm not saying that I wanted them in my life but I was able to wish them well, hope they were happy and MOVE ON!

You will never have a great present or future unless you let go of the past.  Once you deal with whatever it is, put it away.  I compare it to placing it in a box, putting the lid on it and shoving it into a dark corner of my memory.  Oh, it's still there if I want to go back through it.  I have just found that I rarely ever want to anymore.

Forgiveness isnt about doing something for the person you are forgiving.  It's about doing something for YOU.  When you forgive someone, you free yourself completely. 

If you are having problems letting go of past hurts and forgiveness, you need to print this tag out and put it on your bathroom mirror.  Read it everyday.  One day, you will realize that you are letting go.  When that happens, you are on your way to forgiveness.

Try it.  I have and it has changed my life!

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com/?SOURCE=BLOG

SKIPPING

SKIPPING

As I lose weight on Skinny Fiber, there are more and more things that I want to try to do again.  For over a month I have wanted to skip.   In my head I can see myself skipping.  Not really happening in reality.

When Marisela and I were on our cruise, I told her that I really wanted to skip.  I used to skip when I was a kid.  I remember it as fun.  When I think about skipping it is always fun.  So being my best friend, Marisela said, “come on, we’ll skip down the hall”.  So here she goes skipping down the hall.  I tried to skip and mine was more like a stomp.  Being my friend, you can imagine what Marisela did.

SHE LAUGHED LIKE A HYENA!  Yes, she did!  Just laughed and laughed watching me stomp while trying to skip.  I knew I looked goofy. L    I knew I wasn’t skipping.  And yes, I laughed too.

I just wanted to skip.  This past Sunday I was at the grocery store.   I was pushing a shopping cart in the parking lot.  (Another thing I want to do is be able to jump up on the cart and glide through the parking lot.)  So as I was pushing my groceries to the car I thought, “I wonder if I could hold on to the basket and skip?”

I tried it and I DID IT!  Now, I’m not a full fledged skipper yet but I did skip!  I will admit that I only skipped about 4 times but it is a start!  Every week I will continue to skip with the cart until I get to my car.  I know in no time I will be skipping hands free!

If you are losing weight, think about those things that you did when you were younger.   Believe that you can do those things again!  Think about doing them.  Go through the steps of accomplishing it.  Play it over and over in your mind.  It may take you awhile to accomplish it but you will.

Maybe you will become a SKIPPER like me!

Copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com/?SOURCE=BLOG

MOTHER AND DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIPS - A LOVE STORY

MOTHER AND DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIPS – A LOVE STORY

Before Ashlie came to me, I had a man tell me that I would have a daughter.  He said:  She is going to be like a fairy running through the forest, up and down the trees, wild and free.  Your job is to teach her to exist within the confines of society while still allowing her to be that free spirit.

When my daughter, Ashlie, arrived I was in heaven.  I had dreamed of this day for many years.  Finally I was a mommy and she was my angel.    I loved everything about being a mom.  I wanted her with me all the time.  In fact, I can count on one hand how often my kids were with someone other than me.

I loved those baby years all the way until she reached about 12.  I’ll admit that those teenage years were difficult for the two of us.  She wasn’t a good daughter and I wasn’t a good mom.  She wanted to be that free spirit and I wanted her to understand there were rules we all had to follow.   The relationship between mother and daughter is very different than the one between mother and son.  I think it is because they see their mother as wanting them to be like their mother.

For most mothers, I think the exact opposite is true.  I always thought of my daughter as the girl I always wanted to be.  I wanted to help her become that girl.  She didn’t want to be that girl and she didn’t want my help.  It was a lonely feeling at times for me.  I’m sure it was a lonely time for her too.

I knew her core being was a great one.  I would remind myself that the traits she had that drove me insane would serve her well as an adult.  It was still hard.  I always knew it was hard for both of us but to be honest, my focus was mainly how hard it was for me.

Things started to change after she turned 21.  It wasn’t immediate.  It has been a gradual change.  On both of our parts.  I had to realize and accept that she was her own person and she was a grown woman.  I knew she would have to experience things that I would prefer she not.  I wanted her to listen to me to avoid them.  But the truth is, we all have to go through certain things to learn from them.  I had to let go of her and realize that she was her own person and not an extension of me.  I learned to keep my mouth shut (still work on that at times).  I have also been learning that a mother should never give advice unless it is asked for.  And even then, it’s best to make a suggestion instead of stating it as a fact.  And if she decides to ignore it, you have to accept it.  It is her choice as a grown up.

Our journey has had its hills and valleys (or mountains and ravines) and I’m liking where our journey is now.  I remember when she was an infant the vision I had for her as a woman.  I see the vision becoming a reality.  She has become a beautiful, independent, responsible, competent, loving, caring, funny WOMAN.  She has become this in spite of all the mistakes I made as her mother.

I think God gives you those beautiful loving years of early childhood with your daughter so you have those memories to carry you through the difficult years.  Ashlie is my first born.  She was mine from the moment she was conceived.  God just took a detour to get her to me.  I cannot even imagine my life without her in it.

If you have a daughter and you reach that difficult patch, just know that baby girl you rocked and loved who loved you back is still there.  Never give up and take responsibility for your own part in the strife.  I love the relationship I have with Ashlie now.  It brings me joy every day.  I know that our relationship will grow stronger and deeper in the years to come.

Thank you, Ashlie.  Being your mom is one of the greatest highlights of my life.

I used to sing this Rod Stewart song to her (with some poetic license):

You’re in my heart; you’re in my soul
You’ll be my baby when I grow old
I am your mommy, you’re my best friend
You’re in my soul.

And she still is.

copyrighted 2014
caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com/?SOURCE=BLOG

COMING SOON TO YOUTUBE!

COMING SOON TO YOUTUBE!

I have decided to join the world of YouTube.  My first video will be released by the end of the week.  Then I am putting together a series of exercise videos just for YouTube.

Yeah, I know.  You are thinking….”What is a fat girl doing putting out exercise videos?  Who will star in it?”

Well, Baby, who do you think will star in it?  The fat girl named Caryn will!   Hahaha  I may still be fat on the outside but on the inside I’ve always been petite just trying to get out of this prison of fat!

My goal is 12 videos that are 2 ½ to 3 minutes long.  I’m going to do this!  Am I scared?  Yep!   Do I fear failure?  Of course! Do I sometimes think I might be rejected?  Ummm, I do.  But this is what I know! 

I have a team mates who have graciously offered to help me when needed.  My daughter has offered to help me out. My friend Patty said she would help.   I have been working on content and how they should be.  I’m excited about it!  I’m working to have some of them launched by mid June.

Now the one I plan to release within a week is a song I wrote for my friend, Jackie.  It’s a silly little song but I think it is catchy. It was my kids that suggested I make a video and upload it to YouTube.  It will be something to honor Jackie for infinity cause you know that once it is on YouTube it lives forever. 

So stay tuned!  This girl is on fire and heading to a YouTube near you!  J

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com/?SOURCE=BLOG

OVERCOMING BINGING!

OVERCOMING BINGING!!!

I spent the weekend pondering this overeating incident on Friday.  I know I am the one who has to figure it out and then work out the solution.  I hope ya'll don't mind but I'm going to write my thoughts about this problem of mine.   Maybe it will help someone else.  I don't know.

I just know I will never be free of my weight problems until I figure this weight problem out.  I want to be healthy, mind and body.  What good does it do me to lose the weight and still have to battle these binges of overeating when my emotional state collapses? 

52 years is long enough to carry this burden.  I want to be free of it for good.  I'm not sure what path or paths I will have to take to reach my final destination but I'm determined to get there. 

I'm looking forward to all of you being with me to push me, encourage me, tell me the truth when I need it, and cheer me on when I make progress. 

I'll tell you.  I'm scared.  I just feel like it is uncharted territory for me and I'm just scared.  I know I am going to have to make changes that probably I would rather not make.  But I'm determined.  This time, this time I'm going to put this to rest.

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com/?SOURCE=BLOG

THE OLD TEXAN

THE OLD TEXAN

There was a man who was born in Texas.  He was a native Texan.  And everyone knows that to be a Texan you have to be born here.  This man loved everything about Texas.  He loved the snow of the Panhandle.  He loved the rolling hills and waterfalls of the Hill Country.  He loved the pine trees of East Texas.  He loved the desert and mountains of El Paso.  He loved the Gulf of Mexico by Galveston.  He even loved the sand storms of West Texas.  He loved the Alamo.  He loved Blue Bell Ice Cream.  He loved the Mexican music, the Zydeco music, the Country music, the Rock n’ Roll, the Gospel music and even the musicals.  He loved the Cowboys, the Texans, the Rockets, the Spurs.  He loved the Longhorns and the Aggies.   He loved the work ethic of Texans.  He loved how Texans love their state.  Oh and he loved those blue bonnets!!!  He loved EVERYTHING about Texas.  It was his life.

When he came to the end of his life, he called his family and friends together and told them that all he wanted was for a mound of Texas dirt to be placed in his closed hand when he was buried.  And when he died, his family and friends fulfilled his wish.

When he got to Heaven, God met his at the gates.  “I’m here to welcome you to Heaven but what is in your hand?”  “Dirt,” the Texan said.  “Well, you can’t bring dirt into heaven.”  “But it’s from Texas and I won’t go in unless I can bring it.”  God replied, “Then I guess you will have to stay out here.”

A few days went by and God returned to the Texan who was sitting on a bench outside the Pearly Gates with his fist closed tight around his mound of Texas dirt.  “You ready to come in yet,” God asked.  “Can I bring my Texas dirt in?”   “No, I’m sorry you can’t.”  “Then I’ll just stay out here.”  “Ok,” said God, “but we have a HUGE party planned for you.”  “If I can’t bring my Texas dirt, I don’t want to go”.  God turned and left.

A couple of days later Jesus in the form of a child came out to visit the old Texan.  “What cha doing, mister?”   “Nothing.”   “Why are you sitting out here?”  “God won’t let me bring my Texas dirt in?”  “Why do ya want that old clump of dirt anyway, you’re in Heaven.”  “I just do!  I want to bring it with me.”  “It’s just an old clump of dirt!  Just open your hand and let it go!  Then me and you can go into Heaven together!”

The old Texan sat and thought about that.  The little boy said, “just open your fingers and let it go.”   Finally the old Texan just opened his fingers and the breath of the Lord blew the dirt out of his hand!  He took the little boy’s hand and they walked through the Pearly Gates.

And do you know what he found when he entered Heaven?  EVERYTHING TEXAS!

So my question to you is:  What are you holding on to that is keeping God’s blessings from you?

copyrighted 2014
caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com/?SOURCE=BLOG

OVEREATING

OVEREATING

This is the kind of post I normally only post in my weight loss support group.  However, I think I’m suppose to post it on my Facebook page first. 

Many of us have destructive patterns when things happen in our lives.  Some of us overeat; some of us stop eating, some of us throw up, some of us cut ourselves, some of us run up credit cards, some of us have random sex.  And on and on.  None are better or worse than the other.  Some of us have more than one destructive behavior.  Most of the time we don’t know what initiated the self abuse.  Sometimes we don’t realize we are even doing it until we are deep in the midst of it.

I do this to myself.  I overeat.  Now, as I rule I eat healthy and in moderation.  But there are times when I find myself going to the store to buy that comfort food that my mind and body are urging me to eat.  Not a taste.  Not a bite.  But gorge myself.   

Today was one of those days.  I ate 6 mini ice creams.  SIX!  I had eaten them before I even realized I had.  I wasn’t hungry and now I’m miserable.  I was lying here in bed thinking about this.  Why do I do this?  Why do I sabotage myself?  Why do I stuff myself?  Why do I forget about all my success in just a minute?

I know I have to find these answers to really succeed on this last weight loss journey.  I started going back through today.  Yesterday.  The day before.  I’ve been battling this urge to gorge all week.   What was the driving force behind this?  Sometimes I feel like I am trying to fill a deep hole that resides in the depths of my soul.

I finally figured it out.  Once I did, I remembered the last time this happened.  I thought back to what was going on then.  It was the same kind of thing.  So what was it?  Both times it was when I was feeling used and taken advantage of.  When that happens, my confidence takes a big hit.  My self-esteem sinks to the ground.  I don’t understand why when others treat me badly I take it upon myself to treat myself just as badly. 

I wish I had the answers.  I know I have to find them and start the healing process so that next time, and there will be a next time, I can identify it before it happens.  And if not before it happens, maybe after I just eat 3 mini ice creams.

If you wish to share your struggles and triumphs, I would appreciate that.  I do plan to post this in my closed weight loss group for those who would like a safe place to share their struggles.

I hope if you are facing something like I am that at least now you know you aren’t alone.

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com/?SOURCE=BLOG

CAN A NEGATIVE EVENT BECOME A BLESSING?

CAN A NEGATIVE EVENT BECOME A BLESSING?

When something goes wrong in your life do you see it as a setback?  I have noticed that when something goes wrong, and it could be small or large, we tend to view it as negative.

I have learned and believe to my core that when bad things happen, God can turn it into a blessing.  Sometimes I don't see how He can, but he does.  Sometimes He will use it to put into motion a plan to take care of something you have requested of Him.

Yesterday I had to buy two new tires.  Today a new battery.  I feel blessed.  There was a time when I wouldn’t have been able to even buy either.  I would have been worrying what wouldn't get paid this month.  I no longer live in that place. But more than that, I live in a state of feeling blessed and being grateful.  I didn't always live with that attitude.  

Since changing my life to blessed and grateful, I am just amazed how God turns negatives into blessings in my life.  I don't believe God causes bad things to happen.  But I do believe that He can take a bad situation and make it a blessing for me....if I just let him.   I could tell you about some of the times that He has put things into place over a long period of time to be bring blessings into my life.  Many times He is working in the background to bring about your blessings.

Believe He will do it for you.  When you stop believing, you close the door for Him to keep working.  Try it just once.  You will be amazed!

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com/?SOURCE=BLOG