Since my first swimsuit at 16, every suit I have ever owned has had a skirt: some short and some long, or what I call my “formal” swimsuits.
The other night I was looking at swimsuits and thinking about what kind I would get after my reconstructive surgery. After I lose another 60-75 pounds I am going to have all the excess skin removed, everything lifted and tucked. My abdomen weighs over 25 pounds. I know it does because I’ve weighed it. My upper arms are the size of most people’s thighs. My upper arms and abdomen are very much out of proportion to the rest of my body. Close friends tell me that even now if those two places were fixed I’d probably wear a 12. I don’t know.
While I am excited about having that petite body that has hidden inside me all my life be released, I am having some issues. It all surfaced when I was looking at those swimsuits. I’m just not sure I could ever wear just a regular one piece suit. The other day when I was looking at them thinking about getting one after the surgery, I felt like I was having a panic attack. It just looked to me like the most private parts of my body would now be so exposed. I have to say it terrifies me.
I know it probably stems back to several things. Most of you don’t know that I was sexually abused as a child. I’ve been through many years of therapy and know that this really messes you up. Many times our abdomens become larger in our body’s effort to cover our genitals. Is that what it’s about? I don’t know.
Is it because I’m afraid of my own sexuality and how I would handle just having my body so exposed? I just keep hearing those words from when I was twelve that I would become a whore or if I wore certain clothes I would end up being raped. I don’t know. I just know it scares me so badly that the first thing I want to do is eat. Doesn’t really matter what.
I am trying so hard to live healthy. Eat right. Exercise some. I want to be free of everything that has kept me a prisoner in my own body for so so long. I’ve really struggled the last few days. I haven’t gone crazy but I just haven’t been as focused. I want to figure out what I have to do to work through this.
I’m so proud of the weight I have lost and the way I have done it. I’ve lost slowly, I’ve eaten healthy. I haven’t tortured or abused my body this time. I just don’t know how to get through this problem. I think I fear being a normal size because I won’t act normal when I do. I think I am afraid of becoming that whore that will get raped.
I know it’s not rational. I know most probably think it is silly. Intellectually I know it’s not true but in my head that is what I hear screaming over and over.
I'll make it through this. I know I will!
copyrighted 2014
caryn cannatella
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