Before Ashlie came to me, I had a man tell me that I would have a daughter. He said: She is going to be like a fairy running through the forest, up and down the trees, wild and free. Your job is to teach her to exist within the confines of society while still allowing her to be that free spirit.
When my daughter, Ashlie, arrived I was in heaven. I had dreamed of this day for many years. Finally I was a mommy and she was my angel. I loved everything about being a mom. I wanted her with me all the time. In fact, I can count on one hand how often my kids were with someone other than me.
I loved those baby years all the way until she reached about 12. I’ll admit that those teenage years were difficult for the two of us. She wasn’t a good daughter and I wasn’t a good mom. She wanted to be that free spirit and I wanted her to understand there were rules we all had to follow. The relationship between mother and daughter is very different than the one between mother and son. I think it is because they see their mother as wanting them to be like their mother.
For most mothers, I think the exact opposite is true. I always thought of my daughter as the girl I always wanted to be. I wanted to help her become that girl. She didn’t want to be that girl and she didn’t want my help. It was a lonely feeling at times for me. I’m sure it was a lonely time for her too.
I knew her core being was a great one. I would remind myself that the traits she had that drove me insane would serve her well as an adult. It was still hard. I always knew it was hard for both of us but to be honest, my focus was mainly how hard it was for me.
Things started to change after she turned 21. It wasn’t immediate. It has been a gradual change. On both of our parts. I had to realize and accept that she was her own person and she was a grown woman. I knew she would have to experience things that I would prefer she not. I wanted her to listen to me to avoid them. But the truth is, we all have to go through certain things to learn from them. I had to let go of her and realize that she was her own person and not an extension of me. I learned to keep my mouth shut (still work on that at times). I have also been learning that a mother should never give advice unless it is asked for. And even then, it’s best to make a suggestion instead of stating it as a fact. And if she decides to ignore it, you have to accept it. It is her choice as a grown up.
Our journey has had its hills and valleys (or mountains and ravines) and I’m liking where our journey is now. I remember when she was an infant the vision I had for her as a woman. I see the vision becoming a reality. She has become a beautiful, independent, responsible, competent, loving, caring, funny WOMAN. She has become this in spite of all the mistakes I made as her mother.
I think God gives you those beautiful loving years of early childhood with your daughter so you have those memories to carry you through the difficult years. Ashlie is my first born. She was mine from the moment she was conceived. God just took a detour to get her to me. I cannot even imagine my life without her in it.
If you have a daughter and you reach that difficult patch, just know that baby girl you rocked and loved who loved you back is still there. Never give up and take responsibility for your own part in the strife. I love the relationship I have with Ashlie now. It brings me joy every day. I know that our relationship will grow stronger and deeper in the years to come.
Thank you, Ashlie. Being your mom is one of the greatest highlights of my life.
I used to sing this Rod Stewart song to her (with some poetic license):
You’re in my heart; you’re in my soul
You’ll be my baby when I grow old
I am your mommy, you’re my best friend
You’re in my soul.
And she still is.
copyrighted 2014
caryn cannatella
www.caryncann.com/?SOURCE=BLOG
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