WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?

I saw this today and I can't get it out of my head.  I have lived my entire life in fear.  It has kept me from truly living.  Not for a little while; for all the while.

Many fears I have conquered.  The one fear that follows me, haunts me, taunts me and more is fear of failing to lose weight and keeping it off.  At times I feel like a hypocrite posting about weight loss, my own included, tips, suggestions, etc.  because I doubt myself so much in this area.

Over 50 years of dieting and failing over and over, has caused me to doubt I can really do it.  I have not weighed under 200 pounds since I was 19 years old.  The closer I get to that number (which I have more than a few times), the more fear I feel.  I become overwhelmed.  I get anxious.  I tell myself what is the point?  And then I finally just give up.  Stuck like chuck and going back up!

The tapes that play in my head are like this:  You're fat; you've always been fat.  You will always be fat.  You have such a pretty face but.....  Why do you eat when you aren't hungry?  Hurry and eat, everyone before she gets to the table!  What are you trying to do – weigh over 200 pounds?  Where are you going to find clothes to fit you?  What man will ever want you?  Men leave women who get fat.  On and on and on.  All words that have been spoken to me during my life to the point they have become my own words.  And now they continue to try to hold me back from my dream, my goal to just reach my weight loss goals and maintain them.

I am almost 62 years old.  I'm tired.  I don't want to die a young death.  My children are in their early 20's.  I want to live to see them married with children.  I don't want to be sick.  I don't want live in fear.  I want to overcome this fear and conquer it.

I want to live.  Without the bulk that I have hidden in for 58 years.  I know the me that has lived secretly inside all these years.  I would like for the world to know that me too.  I want out.  I just want out.

copyright 2014

caryn cannatella

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