UP & DOWN WITH LIFE - What a ride!: dying

Friday, September 18, 2015

AND THE STRUGGLE CONTINUES

My body has been craving carbs so badly. And my body doesn't process carbs well. Probably why I'm 10-15 pounds up, depending on the day. Sometimes this journey is so hard I just want to give up. Just roll over, eat until I can't eat another bite.

And then I think of my friend, Debbie, gone at 63. Or my friend Joe, dead at 61. Or my ex, dead at 71. I don't want to die. Especially from diabetes. My friend, my sister, Patty, has been with her son for the past year who is in the end stages of diabetes. He's 38. I hurt for them both every day.

People who have never had to lose weight really have no true understanding of how difficult it is. You have to eat to live and for so many of us, we live to eat. I watch many shows that deal with anorexics an bulimics. I'm always touched by the tenderness and care with which they are handled.

But then when I see a program about an obese person, I don't see that same tenderness and love. We aren't people with a disease. We are just fat people who eat too much. We aren't looked at as having a disease. We are looked at as people with no self-discipline, no self-control, no will power.

I know how to do it all. I probably no more about nutrition, calories, the food pyramid, how to exercise and what exercises to do than most. And I've done it all. Healthy, unhealthy, strict, lenient, extreme, dangerous. I've followed plans for a month and for years.

But you just get tired. You want your body to act and function normally. And it doesn't. You want to just scream WHY ME? WHY DO I HAVE TO BE FAT? But you know there are so many people who could scream the same words about what ever condition they deal with daily.

I know I will never be thin. But I know I can be healthy. And at this point that is all I am going to work towards.

So, here I am, struggling with my brain to get into the right frame of mind. I know what I need to do. I just have to decide to do it.

And the struggle continues.

copyrighted 2015

caryn cannatella

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Thursday, February 26, 2015

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?

I saw this today and I can't get it out of my head. I have lived my entire life in fear. It has kept me from truly living. Not for a little while; for all the while.

Many fears I have conquered. The one fear that follows me, haunts me, taunts me and more is fear of failing to lose weight and keeping it off. At times I feel like a hypocrite posting about weight loss, my own included, tips, suggestions, etc. because I doubt myself so much in this area.

Over 50 years of dieting and failing over and over, has caused me to doubt I can really do it. I have not weighed under 200 pounds since I was 19 years old. The closer I get to that number (which I have more than a few times), the more fear I feel. I become overwhelmed. I get anxious. I tell myself what is the point? And then I finally just give up. Stuck like chuck and going back up!

The tapes that play in my head are like this: You're fat; you've always been fat. You will always be fat. You have such a pretty face but..... Why do you eat when you aren't hungry? Hurry and eat, everyone before she gets to the table! What are you trying to do – weigh over 200 pounds? Where are you going to find clothes to fit you? What man will ever want you? Men leave women who get fat. On and on and on. All words that have been spoken to me during my life to the point they have become my own words. And now they continue to try to hold me back from my dream, my goal to just reach my weight loss goals and maintain them.

I am almost 62 years old. I'm tired. I don't want to die a young death. My children are in their early 20's. I want to live to see them married with children. I don't want to be sick. I don't want live in fear. I want to overcome this fear and conquer it.

I want to live. Without the bulk that I have hidden in for 58 years. I know the me that has lived secretly inside all these years. I would like for the world to know that me too. I want out. I just want out.