AND THE STRUGGLE CONTINUES

My body has been craving carbs so badly.   And my body doesn't process carbs well.   Probably why I'm 10-15 pounds up, depending on the day.  Sometimes this journey is so hard I just want to give up.   Just roll over, eat until I can't eat another bite.

And then I think of my friend, Debbie, gone at 63.  Or my friend Joe, dead at 61.  Or my ex, dead at 71.   I don't want to die.   Especially from diabetes.   My friend, my sister, Patty, has been with her son for the past year who is in the end stages of diabetes.  He's 38.  I hurt for them both every day.

People who have never had to lose weight really have no true understanding of how difficult it is.  You have to eat to live and for so many of us, we live to eat.  I watch many shows that deal with anorexics an bulimics.   I'm always touched by the tenderness and care with which they are handled.  

But then when I see a program about an obese person, I don't see that same tenderness and love.   We aren't people with a disease.  We are just fat people who eat too much.  We aren't looked at as having a disease.  We are looked at as people with no self-discipline, no self-control, no will power. 

I know how to do it all.   I probably no more about nutrition, calories, the food pyramid, how to exercise and what exercises to do than most.  And I've done it all.   Healthy, unhealthy, strict, lenient, extreme, dangerous.  I've followed plans for a month and for years. 

But you just get tired.   You want your body to act and function normally.  And it doesn't.  You want to just scream WHY ME?  WHY DO I HAVE TO BE FAT?   But you know there are so many people who could scream the same words about what ever condition they deal with daily.

I know I will never be thin.   But I know I can be healthy.  And at this point that is all I am going to work towards. 

So, here I am, struggling with my brain to get into the right frame of mind.   I know what I need to do.  I just have to decide to do it.

And the struggle continues.

copyrighted 2015

caryn cannatella

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