Sometimes I think we overanalyze when it comes to solving problems. Ya’ll know that I have been dealing with overeating in response to external things affecting my life. I’ve wrestled with it. I’ve thought about it. I’ve looked at it up and down and inside and out.
I just keep thinking, if I could just figure out WHY I do this, then I could fix it.
I was talking to my friend Ileene this morning about lots of things. I brought this up and told her I didn’t care what it took I was going to conquer this. Even if I have to go back into therapy. Which I refer to as scab picking. You know. You heal for a week and then you go back in and pick the scabs till they bleed. And for good measure you usually have salt poured in the open wound and then scrubbed with a brillo pad. That is right before you are told, “You’re hour (which is really only 50 minutes) is up! See you next week!” You scrape your wounded body up off the floor and drag yourself home. You return the next week to do it all over again.
Ileene wrote me the following, “Well, I think you have taken the 1st ....well actually the 2nd step toward recovery. The 1st is admitting there is a problem......the 2nd would be opening up and making others aware........the thing is, you may never fully understand just exactly why but you do fully understand that you do and the need for it to stop so you can move on. I believe all we can ever do is say "I think" this is the reason. Evidently it was something that started years ago and is triggered time and again......seems to me you have recognized what triggers it.....so that may be the 3rd step.......you are moving on up!!! As I see it, you are at the 4th step......as soon as the trigger happens, learning to redirect from wanting to gorge!!! See, you are doing great! It should be somewhat easier since you know it is coming!”
What really stood out to me was this: “the thing is, you may never fully understand just exactly why but you do fully understand that you do and the need for it to stop so you can move on. I believe all we can ever do is say "I think" this is the reason. Evidently it was something that started years ago and is triggered time and again......seems to me you have recognized what triggers it” This just makes sense to me. Do we really have to dig and dig to find out what causes it? What if it is more than one thing or incident? Must we dissect every possibility before we can just recognize, change and move on?
Ileene is right. I do know what brings on the binges. It’s feeling like I have being taking advantage of and/or being used and not being appreciated. I get it! So I just need a plan in place for the next time it happens. What can I do to make myself feel better without hurting myself? Eating gives me that temporary feeling of filling the hole of unworthiness. She made some suggestions: go buy a new outfit, find something else that will satisfy you or pick you up. There are things that could help me fill that void I have inside without punishing myself by overeating. What I’m going to concentrate on in the next few days is making a list of different things I can do to feel the void without filling my stomach. I know that one size fits all won’t work. I need a list of things to choose from. Dancing might work one time and not the next. I have to build my arsenal.
I remember when my ex stopped drinking on January 11, 1981. Whenever he felt that stress or feeling that made him want to drink, he would buy a pint of ice cream and eat it. He said the sugar would enter his bloodstream quickly and give him that calm that alcohol had done. I didn’t understand it but it seemed to work for him. That first year I bet he ate 50 gallons of ice cream. Until he was in the hospital last month, I doubt he had eaten a pint of ice cream in years. It’s been 33 years and he is still alcohol free.
That is going to be me. The next time I’m faced with a situation that normally turns me into a binging nut, I’ll have my tools ready. And you know I’ll be posting and sharing how I do. If I fail, I’ll let you know. And when I succeed, I’ll let you know that too. I’m in it to win it. I want my kids to say when I die, “You know mom decided to stop binging in 2014 in response to her feelings. It’s been 30 years and she died binge free.” Yep, that is what I want them to say!
copyrighted 2014
caryn cannatella
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