A FRAUD AND A FAILURE

A FRAUD AND A FAILURE

Last week was a difficult week for me.  I hate to even write about it because it makes me feel like a fraud and a failure.

This past week I have eaten like a pig.  I don’t mean a little bit.  I mean A LOT!  I feel like the preacher who can talk the talk but not walk the walk.  I’ve been playing back the past week to try to figure out what caused me to get so off track.  When did it start?  What triggered it?  Why have I stayed stuck in the mire?

It started Tuesday morning.  I woke up and weighed.  I was up 11 pounds from the day before.  Now I know realistically I could not have gained 11 pounds overnight.  But that is what the scale said.  So that started me feeling like a big fat failure.  That’s why I usually hide the scales.  They have always been used to judge my worth.

When I was a kid I was weighed and measured almost every Saturday morning.  If it was up, it meant I was a failure.  If it was down it meant I wasn’t.  I was a failure more than not.  In my house we all had our “medals” to wear.  It didn’t much matter what other accomplishments you had, if you didn’t accomplish the medal our mother had given us, the rest was irrelevant.  Mine medal was to be thin.  I never accomplished it.  Still haven’t.  When I get certain triggers, I become that kid again who never measured up.

Then I met a man.  He seems nice and really a lot like me.  When I was about 12, I was once told, “if you wear that, you are going to be a whore one day.”  Somewhere in my brain, I figured if I was fat, no one would want me and so I couldn’t ever be a whore.  Do you know I still believe in my heart that if I become thin I will become a whore?

Next my boss yelled at me both days he was in the office.  When I am yelled at I feel like a little kid.  Being yelled at makes me feel worthless.  It doesn't matter how much I do or if he tells me how much he needs me.  All that is wiped away when he yells.

And then I got sick.  Which somehow gives me the ok to eat stuff I shouldn’t.  I’m sick.   I deserve it.

I woke up this morning feeling fat, bloated, ugly and a failure once again.  I know I just have to get back on track and eat the food that makes me healthy and feel good.  I try and try to figure out why I feel the need to punish myself and my body.  To be honest, I don’t even like to eat.  If I could, I would choose to never eat again.  But you have to eat to live and you have to eat to lose weight.  It is required.  When I get in this defeated frame of mind, I just live to eat.  Somewhere inside I figure, “what difference does it make?”

Why am I sharing this?  Because I don’t know any other people who would understand like those of you who are trying to lose weight and get healthy.  If you have suggestions or ideas, please share.  I’m open to them.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.  I feel like a 60 year old woman trapped in the body and mind of a little 10 year old fat girl.  I just want out once and for all.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Copyrighted 2014
caryn cannatella

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