I HAVE A SECRET LOVER

I HAVE A SECRET LOVER

Yes, it’s true.  I do have a secret lover.  He belongs to me.  I don’t want to share him with anyone.  I don’t want anyone to know about him.  I want him to myself.  Alone.  I don’t even want other people to know he is with me.  Most ofTen I want him at night.  But not always.  And you know what?  Whenever I need him or want him, he is always there.  Ready to satisfy me.  My secret lover is FOOD.

I use food to feel the emptiness that I’m sometimes faced with.  When I use food to replace what I’m lacking, I never let others see me.  He’s mine.  All mine.  I don’t even want others to know this is what I do.  Because like all secret lovers, there is shame and regret after he visits.  A lover is a good thing.  Just like food is a good thing.  We have to have food to live; we have to have love to live.  But when it is done in secret, it is destructive.

I normally want my secret lover, food, in my bedroom.  I don’t want to talk to other people.  I certainly don’t want to share my lover with them.  I don’t even want them to know he is in my room with me.  How many times have I bought that food that was going to make me feel better and then had to replace it so no one in the house would know I ate an entire cake, or a gallon of ice cream or a bag of cookies?  How many times have I taken it outside to the garbage in the middle of the night, hidden in another bag, so no one would know?

I am tired of this secret lover.  He doesn’t love me.  He doesn’t like me.  He likes me fat.  He likes me miserable.  If I wasn’t fat and miserable, I wouldn’t need him.   He has caused me misery for decades.  Yet time after time when that hole deep inside just seems too much to bear, I really think at that moment he will feel me up.  He never does.  I feel worse after he is gone.

I have decided to get rid of my secret lover.  I thought about how I can do this?  I have to eat.  Right?  Now, I’ll tell you my plan but I admit I am very scared.  I have decided to never eat alone again.  No more eating in my bedroom.  No more eating at night when the house is quiet and everyone is asleep.  From now on, I am only going to eat out in the open, which is normally what I do unless I need my alone time with food.  When I stuff myself to try to fill that void. 

I am going to say good-bye to my secret lover.  As I write this I have to admit I am crying.  I’m scared.  He’s been in my life for 53 years.  But I know, the time has come.  Like any secret lover, once you truly realize that they don’t love you, want you and are certainly not good for you, you have to make a choice.  Do you do what is good for YOU or do you stay and keep accepting what you have been?

I am going to let him go.  I don’t want him anymore.  I want to be complete without him.  I want to find something else to feel that black hole.  And I am going to do it.

Good-bye my secret lover.  It’s time for you to go.

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

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