This is the kind of post I normally only post in my weight
loss support group. However, I think I’m
suppose to post it on my Facebook page first.
Many of us have destructive patterns when things happen in
our lives. Some of us overeat; some of
us stop eating, some of us throw up, some of us cut ourselves, some of us run
up credit cards, some of us have random sex.
And on and on. None are better or
worse than the other. Some of us have
more than one destructive behavior. Most
of the time we don’t know what initiated the self abuse. Sometimes we don’t realize we are even doing
it until we are deep in the midst of it.
I do this to myself.
I overeat. Now, as I rule I eat
healthy and in moderation. But there are
times when I find myself going to the store to buy that comfort food that my
mind and body are urging me to eat. Not
a taste. Not a bite. But gorge myself.
Today was one of those days.
I ate 6 mini ice creams.
SIX! I had eaten them before I
even realized I had. I wasn’t hungry and
now I’m miserable. I was lying here in
bed thinking about this. Why do I do
this? Why do I sabotage myself? Why do I stuff myself? Why do I forget about all my success in just
a minute?
I know I have to find these answers to really succeed on
this last weight loss journey. I started
going back through today.
Yesterday. The day before. I’ve been battling this urge to gorge all
week. What was the driving force behind
this? Sometimes I feel like I am trying
to fill a deep hole that resides in the depths of my soul.
I finally figured it out.
Once I did, I remembered the last time this happened. I thought back to what was going on
then. It was the same kind of
thing. So what was it? Both times it was when I was feeling used and
taken advantage of. When that happens,
my confidence takes a big hit. My
self-esteem sinks to the ground. I don’t
understand why when others treat me badly I take it upon myself to treat myself
just as badly.
I wish I had the answers.
I know I have to find them and start the healing process so that next
time, and there will be a next time, I can identify it before it happens. And if not before it happens, maybe after I
just eat 3 mini ice creams.
If you wish to share your struggles and triumphs, I would
appreciate that. I do plan to post this
in my closed weight loss group for those who would like a safe place to share
their struggles.
I hope if you are facing something like I am that at least
now you know you aren’t alone.
copyrighted 2014
caryn cannatella
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