MY MOTHER'S HUSBAND

MY MOTHER'S HUSBAND

I remember after my Daddy died and my mother started dating, we wanted her to go out with white collar men.  Doctors, Lawyers, Indian Chiefs, etc.   Only the best for our Mama.

And who did she bring home?   The bluest of the blue collar workers.   She brought home a plumber.  And married him. 

Yeah, he stunk when he came home from work but he could fixed anything. 

Yes, he wasn't rolling in money but the money he had he spent on her. 

Sure, he didn't look like a movie star and now looks like Santa, but he only had a twinkle in his eyes for her.  

A good man with a good heart.  All wrapped in blue.

She grew up with my daddy.  She grew old with Ed.

I think he might be the reason when men ask me what kind of man I'm looking for, I now say "a blue collar man who can fix anything around the house."

And if he has a million dollars?  That would just be icing on the cake.

copyrighted 2015

caryn cannatella

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MOTHER’S LOVE IS LIKE NOTHING ELSE!

MOTHER’S LOVE IS LIKE NOTHING ELSE!

If you have children you know there are times when you didn't like them much (and they probably liked you less).  When I became a mom, I promised myself that no matter what, I would never let the bond with my child be broken.

No matter how mad or disappointed I was with them, I would never ever close the door and walk away.  I can tell you there were times it was hard but I'm glad I've always kept that cord attached.  There should never ever be a time that a mother's bond to her child is severed.  We are their moms.  No matter what, the door should always be open to our children. 

Now, I'm not saying I'm was always a great mom or even a good one.  There were times (ok, years) that I thought I was the worst mom.  I didn't know what I was doing and I'm sure I did more wrong than right.  But I always loved them and never gave up.  And just like someone reminded me often during the dark times, "you have good kids.  They will be ok.  They will turn out just fine.   It just won't be for a few years."  She was right.  About it all. 

If you don't have a relationship with your child, please consider making an effort.  It just takes a card, a phone call.  Doesn't mean you have to try to be where you once were.  It just means you let them know you love them.  No matter what.

What if your child, the one you loved from the time they were born, died today?  Or you found out they had a very short time to live?  How would you feel?  Life is short and fleeting.  If you haven't told your child you loved them lately, do it today.  If you are close enough to hug them, do it. 

You may think you have a lot of time left because they are so much younger than you.  You never know.  Don't let another day go by. 

Parents shouldn't have to bury their children.  It sucks.  But it happens.  Tell your child or children today that you love them no matter what.  Forgive them for whatever you feel they need to be forgiven for.   Just remember, they are your child.

To my friend who is having to face the reality of her child leaving this world, thank you for reminding me how precious an honor it is to be a mom.  My heart breaks for you but I know your child knows through his whole being that he is loved unconditionally throughout eternity by his mom.

Call your child.  Send that card.  Just three words:  I love you. 

copyrighted 2015

caryn cannatella

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DO YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE IN FEAR?

DO YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE IN FEAR?

I have lived with fear for so long it is almost second nature to me.  When I started my last weight loss journey with Skinny Fiber, I decided to start facing some fears and having some faith.

Did I ever tell ya'll one of my biggest fears about losing weight?  No?  Well, let me tell you.

When I was a young girl, about 12 or 13, my mother said some things to me like, "If you keep wearing things like that you will be raped." and "Go ahead, wear that, and you will end up a whore."  Now, as those who knew me growing up can attest, I wasn't really a provocative dresser.  lol   But her words made a deep impression on my psyche and my heart.

After years of therapy, self-examination, pondering and thinking, I finally admitted what one of my greatest fears was.  And of course, it was all about losing weight.

I can remember once when I had lost down to a size 9 in the 8th grade, my daddy said, "Look at her!  Pretty soon all the boys will be after her!"  Yep, I'm sure you know what happened.  That weight came right back on, and more.  I've never been a size 9 again.

In my mind, if I lost weight and had a slamming body I would either be raped or more likely, just a whore.  Being fat just seemed more acceptable to me.  My fat protected me.  It kept men at a distance.  Especially after my divorce.  Oh, I have dated off and on throughout the years but only one got close enough to get close enough, if you know what I mean.  He was gorgeous and a weight lifter.  I always wondered why he was with me, a fat girl with few muscles.  Ultimately it didn't matter.  He wasn't who he claimed to be anyway.  lol  He created himself just for me.  I must say he was made to order!

So here I am at 61 and losing weight.  I have faced more than a few fears during the last 16 or 17 months.  I've done things I never thought possible.  I now have the faith to move past that fear of being raped or being a whore..

And that faith is pushing and guiding me through my biggest fear.  Losing weight and getting healthy.  I know now that  I will succeed.  And who knows?  This time there just might be a man at the end of the rainbow!

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

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THE SADDEST DAY OF MY LIFE

THE SADDEST DAY OF MY LIFE

I was sitting here thinking about how blessed I am.   I see and talk to so many people who have such great sadness in their lives.  It made me think about being sad.    The saddest day of my life was the day I had my hysterectomy.  I was 32.

All I ever wanted to be was a mommy.  Well, that and Room Mother in elementary school.   I must have cried a million tears.  I had reached the end of my journey of having a baby.  There would be no more fertility treatments.  No more taking my temperature to see when I was ovulating.  My body had completely turned against me and could not do the one thing I so desperately wanted it to do.  I felt like my life had ended.

And to make it even worse, my surgeon decided (for his convenience) to put me on the new born floor.  I literally thought I would have a breakdown.   It was one of the few times I ever saw my ex get aggressive with anyone.  The only thing worse than that was when a well intentioned person said, “well, at least you won’t have a period any more. Lol”  I reminded them that I would also never be able to carry a baby.

It was a sad dark period of my life.  The only painting I have ever done was right before my surgery.  It was cold, barren, icy and nothing alive.  I still have that painting in my house to remind me just how sad and unhappy I was during that period.  Oh, I tried to comfort myself by having my nails done and my hair done every month.  But you know what?  Nothing, and I mean nothing fills that void of wanting so desperately to have a baby.  And then knowing for sure that it won’t happen.

My niece was born the day of my surgery.  She was conceived the same month as my last pregnancy which ended in a miscarriage.   She was bright spot in my world but still a reminder that my baby would have been the same age.

But then that day came, almost 7 years later, when my ex called and said, “Carolena wants to know if we want to adopt her baby?”  I couldn’t believe it!  I was so afraid of jinxing it before we even picked her up that we told no one.   When she placed Ashlie in my arms, my world became right.  That void in my heart was filled.  I was a mommy.  

Even out of this sad time came a blessing so huge that at the time I could not see it through my grief.  Even when we can’t see it, God is working behind the scenes.  Sometimes it seems to me that it’s like pieces of a puzzle.  You might not see the entire picture but when it’s completed you realize how the pieces were being laid down in exactly the right places.

Out of sadness and grief came the most wonderful gift I could ever imagine.  My daughter, Ashlie. 

Copyrighted 2014

Caryn Cannatella

www.caryncann.com

I LOVE MY KIDS

I LOVE MY KIDS

My kids are spoiled.  Yep, I admit it.  I don't really care what anyone thinks about it.  They are my kids.  I'm fortunate that I make a good living.  That does make it easier when money can take care of something.

My kids both work.  Ashlie is totally self-sufficient but there are times that she does need help.  My philosophy is:  if you are doing what you are supposed to be doing, then I will help you.  Now sometimes, I just can't but for the most part I think I'm there.  She has definitely found her path and is marching through.

Cody works too and he is on the path to self-sufficiency.  He lives with me but he has to pay rent.  Why?  Because in the real world everyone has to pay rent.   He is also required (since he had to move back in with me) to give me all of his paycheck and then I give him money for food, bus, etc.  Before he moves out, he will have two month’s rent, deposit, transportation and money in savings.  The last few months he will have to show me that he can take care of his finances.

I wish I had been taught some of these lessons when I was in my 20's.  It would have made my life so much easier.  I want them to be spared from the mistakes of being young if I can.  I tell them often, I'm not smarter than you; I have just lived longer.

I make them Easter baskets and Christmas stockings. I buy them souvenirs everywhere I go.  If they are in a bind, I'm going to be there.  If they need my help, they know they can call me.  If I can help, I will.  If they need to talk, I'll listen and try my best not to give unsolicited advice.

No matter how angry we get with each other (flashback teenage years), or how much we dislike each other at the moment, I want them to know this one thing to the core of their being:

I am their mother.  Even if I don't particularly like them at a particular time, I will always love them forever and a day.  I want them to always, always know that no matter what, I'm just a phone call away.  And if you have or had that with your mom, you are blessed.

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com

MOTHER AND DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIPS - A LOVE STORY

MOTHER AND DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIPS – A LOVE STORY

Before Ashlie came to me, I had a man tell me that I would have a daughter.  He said:  She is going to be like a fairy running through the forest, up and down the trees, wild and free.  Your job is to teach her to exist within the confines of society while still allowing her to be that free spirit.

When my daughter, Ashlie, arrived I was in heaven.  I had dreamed of this day for many years.  Finally I was a mommy and she was my angel.    I loved everything about being a mom.  I wanted her with me all the time.  In fact, I can count on one hand how often my kids were with someone other than me.

I loved those baby years all the way until she reached about 12.  I’ll admit that those teenage years were difficult for the two of us.  She wasn’t a good daughter and I wasn’t a good mom.  She wanted to be that free spirit and I wanted her to understand there were rules we all had to follow.   The relationship between mother and daughter is very different than the one between mother and son.  I think it is because they see their mother as wanting them to be like their mother.

For most mothers, I think the exact opposite is true.  I always thought of my daughter as the girl I always wanted to be.  I wanted to help her become that girl.  She didn’t want to be that girl and she didn’t want my help.  It was a lonely feeling at times for me.  I’m sure it was a lonely time for her too.

I knew her core being was a great one.  I would remind myself that the traits she had that drove me insane would serve her well as an adult.  It was still hard.  I always knew it was hard for both of us but to be honest, my focus was mainly how hard it was for me.

Things started to change after she turned 21.  It wasn’t immediate.  It has been a gradual change.  On both of our parts.  I had to realize and accept that she was her own person and she was a grown woman.  I knew she would have to experience things that I would prefer she not.  I wanted her to listen to me to avoid them.  But the truth is, we all have to go through certain things to learn from them.  I had to let go of her and realize that she was her own person and not an extension of me.  I learned to keep my mouth shut (still work on that at times).  I have also been learning that a mother should never give advice unless it is asked for.  And even then, it’s best to make a suggestion instead of stating it as a fact.  And if she decides to ignore it, you have to accept it.  It is her choice as a grown up.

Our journey has had its hills and valleys (or mountains and ravines) and I’m liking where our journey is now.  I remember when she was an infant the vision I had for her as a woman.  I see the vision becoming a reality.  She has become a beautiful, independent, responsible, competent, loving, caring, funny WOMAN.  She has become this in spite of all the mistakes I made as her mother.

I think God gives you those beautiful loving years of early childhood with your daughter so you have those memories to carry you through the difficult years.  Ashlie is my first born.  She was mine from the moment she was conceived.  God just took a detour to get her to me.  I cannot even imagine my life without her in it.

If you have a daughter and you reach that difficult patch, just know that baby girl you rocked and loved who loved you back is still there.  Never give up and take responsibility for your own part in the strife.  I love the relationship I have with Ashlie now.  It brings me joy every day.  I know that our relationship will grow stronger and deeper in the years to come.

Thank you, Ashlie.  Being your mom is one of the greatest highlights of my life.

I used to sing this Rod Stewart song to her (with some poetic license):

You’re in my heart; you’re in my soul
You’ll be my baby when I grow old
I am your mommy, you’re my best friend
You’re in my soul.

And she still is.

copyrighted 2014
caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com/?SOURCE=BLOG