THE SADDEST DAY OF MY LIFE

THE SADDEST DAY OF MY LIFE

I was sitting here thinking about how blessed I am.   I see and talk to so many people who have such great sadness in their lives.  It made me think about being sad.    The saddest day of my life was the day I had my hysterectomy.  I was 32.

All I ever wanted to be was a mommy.  Well, that and Room Mother in elementary school.   I must have cried a million tears.  I had reached the end of my journey of having a baby.  There would be no more fertility treatments.  No more taking my temperature to see when I was ovulating.  My body had completely turned against me and could not do the one thing I so desperately wanted it to do.  I felt like my life had ended.

And to make it even worse, my surgeon decided (for his convenience) to put me on the new born floor.  I literally thought I would have a breakdown.   It was one of the few times I ever saw my ex get aggressive with anyone.  The only thing worse than that was when a well intentioned person said, “well, at least you won’t have a period any more. Lol”  I reminded them that I would also never be able to carry a baby.

It was a sad dark period of my life.  The only painting I have ever done was right before my surgery.  It was cold, barren, icy and nothing alive.  I still have that painting in my house to remind me just how sad and unhappy I was during that period.  Oh, I tried to comfort myself by having my nails done and my hair done every month.  But you know what?  Nothing, and I mean nothing fills that void of wanting so desperately to have a baby.  And then knowing for sure that it won’t happen.

My niece was born the day of my surgery.  She was conceived the same month as my last pregnancy which ended in a miscarriage.   She was bright spot in my world but still a reminder that my baby would have been the same age.

But then that day came, almost 7 years later, when my ex called and said, “Carolena wants to know if we want to adopt her baby?”  I couldn’t believe it!  I was so afraid of jinxing it before we even picked her up that we told no one.   When she placed Ashlie in my arms, my world became right.  That void in my heart was filled.  I was a mommy.  

Even out of this sad time came a blessing so huge that at the time I could not see it through my grief.  Even when we can’t see it, God is working behind the scenes.  Sometimes it seems to me that it’s like pieces of a puzzle.  You might not see the entire picture but when it’s completed you realize how the pieces were being laid down in exactly the right places.

Out of sadness and grief came the most wonderful gift I could ever imagine.  My daughter, Ashlie. 

Copyrighted 2014

Caryn Cannatella

www.caryncann.com