BIG FISH IN A LITTLE POND

BIG FISH IN A LITTLE POND

My daddy was a preacher in a small church in a small town.  He was happy being that small town preacher.  For many years he held a second job too.  But preaching was his passion and that church and its members was his life.

My mother always thought he short-changed himself.  I can remember her saying, “He could be preaching at a big church that would provide us a home and a bigger salary.”  He didn’t care.  Everyone at church knew him and he knew them.  He visited them when they were in the hospital.  He would go to their homes just to check in on them.  He would pray with them.  He kept their confidences.  He knew everyone’s kids, nieces and nephews, the grandparents and aunts and uncles. 

He had his faults and shortcomings but he had his positives also.  He was tender hearted.  He never met a stranger.  He would strike up a conversation with anyone, anywhere.  He was a very fast and accurate typist.  He cooked the best roast, potatoes and carrots I’ve ever eaten.  He didn’t hold a grudge.  His church members were his family and friends.  He didn’t have lofty goals and he achieved the ones he set for himself.

He was a great preacher.  His messages were succinct.  I remember him telling me that when he was in college he had a professor who said, “If you can’t get your point across in 30 minutes, you need to sit down.”  He took that to heart.  His sermons were almost always 30 minutes, except if the Cowboys were playing an early game.  Then his sermon might be 20 minutes.  No matter the length of the sermon, his message was well thought out.  Preaching truly was his calling in life.  And not just preaching but leading a congregation.  That was all he wanted in his career.

Many times when I have had to decide whether to work for a small company or a big corporation, I always thought of my daddy.  I heard him say many times, “I’d rather be a big fish in a small pond than a small fish in a big pond.”  I feel the same way.  That’s why he stayed at that little church in that little town for so many years.  I know he was glad he did. 

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com

I FEEL GOOD!

I FEEL GOOD!

Today my boss asked me, "why do you want to jog?"  I thought about that for a minute.  There are several reason why.

The last time I had run was when I was 10 years old in a relay race.  I want to see if I could do it again at 61.   I've always thought running/jogging would be BORING.  I was shocked.  I love being outside looking at the grass, the branches on the sidewalk, the butterfly that flew by our faces last night.  Now, I'm not sure I would like jogging on a treadmill.  It's the being outside that I love.  I have actually realized that I really enjoy jogging.

I can't tell you what a great feeling it is to be out shaking my tail feathers around the neighborhood.  I really hope I inspire one or two to get out and walk the neighborhood.  I hope they say, “If she can do it, I can do it!”  That would be a bonus!

I know that you can get injured, you can fall, you can injure your knees.  I'm not worried.  And you know what?  I don't care.  I take precautions and warm up.  I am no longer denying myself any experiences that previously kept me on the sidelines, just watching.  Even at my age, I can choose to live life fully.  And for me, right now, that includes jogging.  And I feel good about it. 

Watch out world, I’m finally ready to conquer you!

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com

THE SADDEST DAY OF MY LIFE

THE SADDEST DAY OF MY LIFE

I was sitting here thinking about how blessed I am.   I see and talk to so many people who have such great sadness in their lives.  It made me think about being sad.    The saddest day of my life was the day I had my hysterectomy.  I was 32.

All I ever wanted to be was a mommy.  Well, that and Room Mother in elementary school.   I must have cried a million tears.  I had reached the end of my journey of having a baby.  There would be no more fertility treatments.  No more taking my temperature to see when I was ovulating.  My body had completely turned against me and could not do the one thing I so desperately wanted it to do.  I felt like my life had ended.

And to make it even worse, my surgeon decided (for his convenience) to put me on the new born floor.  I literally thought I would have a breakdown.   It was one of the few times I ever saw my ex get aggressive with anyone.  The only thing worse than that was when a well intentioned person said, “well, at least you won’t have a period any more. Lol”  I reminded them that I would also never be able to carry a baby.

It was a sad dark period of my life.  The only painting I have ever done was right before my surgery.  It was cold, barren, icy and nothing alive.  I still have that painting in my house to remind me just how sad and unhappy I was during that period.  Oh, I tried to comfort myself by having my nails done and my hair done every month.  But you know what?  Nothing, and I mean nothing fills that void of wanting so desperately to have a baby.  And then knowing for sure that it won’t happen.

My niece was born the day of my surgery.  She was conceived the same month as my last pregnancy which ended in a miscarriage.   She was bright spot in my world but still a reminder that my baby would have been the same age.

But then that day came, almost 7 years later, when my ex called and said, “Carolena wants to know if we want to adopt her baby?”  I couldn’t believe it!  I was so afraid of jinxing it before we even picked her up that we told no one.   When she placed Ashlie in my arms, my world became right.  That void in my heart was filled.  I was a mommy.  

Even out of this sad time came a blessing so huge that at the time I could not see it through my grief.  Even when we can’t see it, God is working behind the scenes.  Sometimes it seems to me that it’s like pieces of a puzzle.  You might not see the entire picture but when it’s completed you realize how the pieces were being laid down in exactly the right places.

Out of sadness and grief came the most wonderful gift I could ever imagine.  My daughter, Ashlie. 

Copyrighted 2014

Caryn Cannatella

www.caryncann.com

REJECTION

REJECTION

Rejection is a powerful emotion.  It’s that feeling of not being good enough and is the root of a myriad of problems so many of us face.

I have come to realize that there is not just one thing that causes me feel unworthy and often to want to overeat.  There are many.  And yesterday I discovered that rejection is a huge one.

When I got up yesterday morning I was in a good mood.  As I went through my work day I started feeling that sinking feeling.  I call it spiraling.  It wasn’t bad; it was just that I could feel it.  Over the past few years I have learned to identify that feeling before it has a chance to grab hold and pull me down into the abyss.

So here I was a busy little beaver working hard all day and it kept nagging at me.  Not like a kid or a boss.  More like a gnat or fruit fly that just buzzes around your head for no good reason.  In this last weight loss journey of mine, I have tried to identify these triggers.  Once I do, it is much easier for me to deal with them and choose a better path. 

Now I will give myself kudos.  I didn’t think once about stuffing my face.  I really just wanted that dark cloud to be gone.   While Patty and I were jogging, I told her about going to jury duty about 30 years ago and not being picked.  I felt so rejected I literally crawled into bed for several days.  On that Friday, I called a therapist and told her I didn’t know what was wrong but something was.  That started my trip  down therapy lane. 

I told Patty I was having those same feelings all day long.  I told her that I really hadn’t wanted to jog; I had wanted to crawl in bed and cover my head.  But I didn’t.  By the time I had finished my jog and pounded those sidewalks, that feeling of rejection was gone.  I had overcome it.  I didn’t feel like abusing my body with food.  I was no longer spiraling.  And I no longer felt rejected.

Now here is what I have learned.  Many times when we feel rejected, it isn’t true!   It is an emotion that takes root in our own minds from a thought.  We start thinking about, feeding it, watering it, and watch it grow.  It doesn’t take long.  Our mind will agree with our irrational thoughts just like it will put them there. 

But here is the key.  Our mind is nothing without us.   We have the ability to control our mind.  We can change the thoughts that pop into our head.  It takes practice but we all can do it.  When you start having those feelings of being unworthy and not good enough, try confronting them.  Where do they stem from?  Are they real or imagined?

An affirmation I have tried to live by the past couple of years is this, “Change your thoughts; change your life.”  It has worked many times for me and is still an ongoing project.    The next time you are feeling rejected and unworthy, try changing that channel in your head.  It takes practice but I can assure you, it works.

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com

YOU ARE NEVER TOO OLD TO GET HEALTHY

YOU ARE NEVER TOO OLD TO GET HEALTHY

So much can change in a year.  This time last year I was still out of my house during the never-ending remodel.  I weighed almost 300 pounds.  I couldn’t walk more than a block without my hips locking up and causing me severe pain.  I was on two blood pressure medications and my bp was still 160/90.  I was taking 2 meds for diabetes and my blood sugar was still around 280 in the morning.  I was on thyroid, arthritis and acid reflux medicine.   My self-esteem was shot.  I had little to no confidence.  In fact, I think I became the girl I was in high school.  I hoped no one would notice me.  I just wanted to be invisible.

What a difference a year makes!  I’ve lost 50 pounds and I’m getting healthy!  The only meds I am now on are thyroid, which has been reduced, and diabetic, which my dr. plans to start weaning from those later this year.  My self-esteem is returning and my confidence has grown by leaps and bounds.  I have dreams that I know are going to become reality.

Yes, I still have 50+ pounds to go but I am really and truly getting healthy!  Who would have ever believed that a 61 year old woman who weighs 237 pounds could start jogging and be jogging 1 mile after just a week?  Well, here I am!  Now, I don’t plan to ever run a marathon, but who knows?  I might go for a ½ marathon someday.  My goal right now is stay consistent and add slowly.  By the end of the year I will be jogging 4-5 miles.    It is amazing to say it aloud and know that I not only can do but I will do it! 

If you are reading this and think you can’t lose weight or exercise, I’m here to tell you that you can!  Whatever your age, whatever your health, whatever your size, there is some kind of exercise you can do.  You just have to figure it out, start slow and keep at it.  Within a week of exercising, you will begin to feel positive results.

I hope I can be a beacon to those who were like me a year ago.  I saw some beacons back then that inspired me.  I found Skinny Fiber which has helped me to lose weight without any exercise.  BUT, now that the 50 pounds has come off, I’m in much better condition to start exercising.  Moving helps us become healthier.

Today if you are hating your body, tired of being sick and tired, know that there is an answer.  The answer is the person who looks back at you from the mirror.   YOU are the person who can change your body.  Just decide to do one thing each day to help you get healthier.  Could be drinking more water or cutting out sodas.  It could be parking further away from the store you are going to.   Just one thing each day can change your life.  I know.  I’m living proof.

And if you need someone to support you, send me an email @ caryncann@gmail.com.  If you want to try Skinny Fiber, a plant based weight loss supplement, that has changed my life, order here @ www.caryncann.com.

Do it for yourself.  You are worthy and you deserve it!

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com

SOMETIMES YOU JUST AREN’T READY TO LOSE WEIGHT

SOMETIMES YOU JUST AREN’T READY TO LOSE WEIGHT

That’s right.  If you are ready to get healthy, nothing, AND I MEAN NOTHING, will get in your way.  Sure you will have set-backs.  Sure you will falter.  But if you get back up and journey on, you will reach your goal.

What I have seen with others and myself is that we look at others achieving their goals with regards to losing weight and getting healthy.  Here are some of the comments I have said or I have heard others say on why they aren’t getting healthy when others are.
1. She’s a lot younger than me.
2. I’m on thyroid medicine.  It’s almost impossible for me to lose weight.
3. I have children at home; her kids are grown.
4. I have to cook for my family.  They won’t eat what is on my food plan.
5. I don’t like to drink water.
6.   It hurts my knees (feet, arms, toes, head, joints, etc) to exercise.
7. I don’t have time to exercise.
8. I know Skinny Fiber works for you, but I just forget to take those darn capsules twice a day.
9. If I had a cook and personal trainer, I could get healthy too.
10. I just like to eat too much to get healthy.

You know what these are called?  Excuses.  That’s right. They are just excuses.  Sometimes you just aren’t ready to lose weight.  You can say the words, “I wish I was smaller” or “I wish I could lose weight”.  YOU CAN!  But until you are ready and decide this is what you are going to do, it won’t work.  I know.  I lived it for 53 years.
Several things changed my mind and got me ready to face this challenge head on.  One of my best friends died last year at the age of 63.  Just a baby, she was.  She was severely overweight for the 30+ years I knew her.  She finally started losing weight when she began dying.  It broke my heart.  My children are only in their 20’s.  Neither is married yet or has children.  I want to be around when they get married and make me a grandmother.  I want to be able to travel without asking for an extender belt (I reached this goal Aug 2013!).  I want to be able to sightsee when I travel without hating how awful I feel after walking a couple of blocks.  Last summer I found this amazing product, Skinny Fiber, which has been a great tool in my LAST weight loss journey!  Not magic.  Just a tool.  And finally, I was just sick and tired of being sick and tired.

It has taken me a year of losing weight to get to the point that I could and even wanted to start moving.  And now that I have, I remember that exhilarating feeling I experienced 14 years ago when I was exercising.

Here is my advice to you.  No one can convince you to start getting healthy.  That is something only you can decide.  If you want to start out with simple things, try these two things.  It will get you started.  If you cut out 100 calories a day (that’s one soda a day), you will lose 10 pounds in a year.   Anytime you have to park your car, put it twice as far away as you normally do.  Those two things will help you start getting healthy…if you want to.  The decision is yours.

I’ve been wherever you are.  In 2012 I weighed 317 pounds.   I now weight 237.  I have 53 more pounds to go.  I’ve done so much damage to my body trying to become “normal” instead of trying to be healthy:  every diet out there, hypnosis, starvation, exercising 5-6 hours a day, bariatric surgery, all kinds of diet pills, and on and on.  The truth is, to get healthy is long term project; a work in progress.  It is not a quick fix.  You have to eat right the majority of the time and you have to move.

Are you ready to get healthy?  If that is your goal, then you will do it.  Let nothing stand in your way.  NOTHING.  If you falter, get back up.  Start anew.  If you are moving forward you are making progress.   When you are ready, and you need help, someone to talk to, or someone just to listen, shoot me a message @ caryncan@gmail.com.  I’ll be here for you.

copyright 2014
caryn cannatella
Skinny Fiber available here:  www.caryncann.com

I’M STILL RUNNING AND I’M NOT BEING CHASED!

I’M STILL RUNNING AND I’M NOT BEING CHASED!

Ran my 1/2 mile last night. I'm going to be honest with you. In the evening my brain starts saying, "Lets not run." "Let's take a nap" "I'm tired." At 8pm I put my running clothes and shoes on.

That first 5 minutes or so is the hardest. I feel like I am just pounding the pavement with a big bag of rocks on my back. But something happens after about 5 minutes. I get in a zone and it becomes easier. Not just easier, but I like it.

When I turn into my driveway and run up that huge hill (ok, it's just an incline but feels like a hill), I act like I'm Rocky! By the time I get to the front door, I'm breathing hard, tired and start sweating. My sweating comes after I run and I continue to sweat for over an hour. I admit I like that feeling of my wet clothes on my body. It reminds me that I can still produce sweat from exercise!

I think Thursday and Friday night I'm going to go for 3/4 of a mile.

Now who would have ever guessed that a 61 year old woman who hasn't run in 50 years and weighs 237 pounds could be out there running?

Well I am and I'm going to keep running. Who knows? A half marathon might be in my future!

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

Join me and start losing weight.  www.caryncann.com

DO YOU CHOOSE FAILURE OR SUCCESS?

DO YOU CHOOSE FAILURE OR SUCCESS?

This is the question I have recently began to ask myself. 

Over 50 years of being overweight and I think I am finally getting it.  I have spent my life on and off of diets because I failed.  How many of us have been on a healthy eating plan to lose weight and we have that day where we eat too much or eat sweets that we tell ourselves we shouldn’t?  At the end of the day, we feel guilty, unworthy and a failure.  We beat ourselves up badly.  And then we quit.  It might be months or even years before we try to lose weight again.

What happens?  We quit eating healthy.  We start eating out of control, sometimes binging.  We have to buy bigger clothes.  We stop even weighing.  We dread looking in the mirror.  We tend to pick that part of our bodies that we like no matter what.  Mine was my eyes.  We hate going to the dr; we might even put it off as long as we can.  Why?  You know why.  They are going to weigh us.  And again, we will be humiliated.  They will know what we already know:  WE ARE A FAILURE.

I have been losing weight this time, my last weight loss journey, for almost a year.  I decided that this time I was going to do it differently.  No food would be off limits.  I had finally figured out something.  When there are foods that “aren’t allowed”, we want them more.  After a while, whether a day, a week or a month, we start feeling punished.  We tell ourselves we deserve to eat whatever it is.  And you know that is a short conversation.  Because we feel we have been denied, we usually eat that food like we will never have it again.

This time I told myself that no food was off limits.  If I want a cookie, I eat a cookie.  I have learned that with that freedom to have the food, I’m much less likely to gorge myself with it.  Notice I said “much less likely”.  I have had a few moments where I overate.   But not once this past year have I felt like I did in the past:  that I was a failure and I should just quit.   That is so amazing to me!  I am now able to say, “tomorrow’s a new day and I’ll start again.”  What freedom that has brought me.

Things that are not allowed because much more important in our lives.  When they are allowed, they lose that power over us.  We can have them, even if we overeat them on occasion.  Someday I know I will reach that point where I still eat the “forbidden” foods, but I don’t gorge myself on them.

Do a little experiment.  Try allowing “forbidden” foods on your food plan.  You can’t do it every day but certainly occasionally you can.  See if it helps you.  I’d love to hear from you.

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

Order Skinny Fiber here:  www.caryncann.com

WE ARE JUST TOO FAT!

WE ARE JUST TOO FAT!

Right at 39% of American adults are obese.  For American children the rate is 33%!     We've known for years that adults are getting fatter in our country.  But our children??   Do we continue to just eat ourselves to death?

What kind of adult life will our children have if they start out in their 20's already obese?  Can you imagine how sad, difficult and yes, miserable their lives will be while trying to build a future?

I can tell you!  I know from experience!  I lived that life as a young adult, adult and even as a senior!  It is not a great way to live!  Whether you want to admit it or not, you get judged by your size.  Even diet doctors just you.  Strangers will walk up to you in a store and say, "You don't need to be eating that!"  or they will come up to you in a clothing store and say "We don't have anything for you in here!" 

Yep, people are cruel.  And if you are obese, they are more cruel.  If you are obese or overweight or fat, fluffy or whatever makes you feel more comfortable, you should be setting the example for your children.  And what should you be doing for your children who are overweight?  Look into their sad eyes and think about how sad those eyes will be when they become an adult.

When I see a very obese child I just want to run up to them and hug them.  I want to tell them that there is another way!  I want to save them from years of heartache and illnesses. 

If you have children in your life, YOU can help them.

1.  Set an example for them.

2.  Eat real food and take the processed food out of your (and their) diet.

3.  Get moving!  It doesn't have to be a marathon!  Just move!

Let's take on obesity!  Wouldn't our money be better spent on a war on obesity than a war on so many other things?  Let's start with ourselves and then help others to become healthy.

If we don't take care of our bodies, we will die.  It's just that simple.  When I realized that I AM WORTH IT I began to lose weight.  Skinny Fiber has been a great tool for me but it isn't a magic pill. 

Decide today to lose weight and get healthy!  YOU CAN DO IT!

If you need help, order Skinny Fiber and join my journey.  www.caryncann.com

copyrighted 2014

caryn Cannatella

www.caryncann.com

OVEREATING KILLS

OVEREATING KILLS

We all know that obesity is an epidemic in our country and around the world.  We all know that it causes so many illnesses and causes so many deaths.  We aren't just talking about adults here!  We are talking about children!  Our future!

When my best friend was fighting cancer, they told her family that she had cirrhosis of the liver.  They said, "How can that be?  She has never had a drink in her life.."   The dr. said, "it's because of the large amount of fat she carries."

If you want to know the truth, that scared me so badly.  When I found Skinny Fiber, it was a godsend.  I don't want to die of a stroke, a heart attack, diabetes, or cirrhosis.  I want to be healthy.  I want to live to see my grandchildren be born and become adults.  I want to live decades after I retire.

If you are battling this war with fat, please, please, choose to live healthy.  You deserve to have a life that is full of life!  I have told everyone, this is my last weight loss journey.  I have promised myself that I am going to get there no matter how long it takes.

Come join me.  Life is not just about food and eating.  It is about being healthy and living! 

Join me in being healthy and living life.

Copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com

BEING POSITIVE

BEING POSITIVE

Maybe it does for some, but for most of us, we have to choose and make a concerted effort to be positive! But we can do it! You just get up in the morning and said aloud, "Today I will be positive".

Now I'll tell you, it doesnt' change instantly. Like all good things, it takes time. I know! It doesn't seem right that negative things that root immediately and positive things that time. But that is the way it works. Once you start doing this everyday, you will find that the positive days far outnumber the negative days.

Try it. What do you have to lose other than bad days.

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS

As you lay your head down tonight to go to sleep, do this.  Close your eyes and one by one think of the blessings in your life.  No problems, no stresses, no worries.  Just blessings. 

You will begin to feel a deep peace and such a sense of gratefulness.  When you fall asleep you will have cushioned yourself with gratitude.  And with gratitude comes more blessings.  

When you forget to be grateful, you block your blessings.  Open up your heart to having an attitude of gratitude and just watch the showers of blessings that come into your life.

You will be amazed.  I am - everyday.

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com

ARE YOU A HUGGER?

ARE YOU A HUGGER?

I admit it.  I’m a hugger. 

I didn’t grow up in a warm fuzzy family.  My parents didn’t hug us.  After Ashlie and Cody arrived I became more of a hugger but mainly with them and their dad.  When you haven’t been hugged as a child I think it is out of your comfort zone to hug. 

I guess about a decade ago I decided to start hugging.  I’ll admit in the beginning it was difficult.  Way out of my comfort zone.  Think about it…you are putting your arms around another person (maybe someone you don’t even know) and pulling them into your own body.  It was scary.  I started with just my friends.  Over the years I have learned to hug anywhere and any time.

I hug my kids, my friends, my customers, anyone who comes to my house gets a hug.  I have hugged people in the waiting room at the dr.’s office.  I have hugged office personnel.  I have hugged my pharmacist and pharmacists assistant.  What I have found is that by hugging I am allowing myself to give unconditional love and receive unconditional love.

Sometimes the person you give a hug to really needs that hug.  Once when Marisela and I weren’t as close as we are now, her hug brought me through a very dark time.  I was sitting in Walgreens waiting to see the nurse.  I was so sick.  I was sitting there with tears streaming down my face as I thought, “I am so alone.  I’m just all by myself.”  And then Marisela appeared.  She knew something was wrong and she hugged me.  She told me later that she rarely went to Walgreens.  Coincidence?  I don’t believe in them.  That hug really cemented our friendship and it got me through that dark time.

If you aren’t a hugger, try it.  I know it might feel awkward and uncomfortable in the beginning.  But the more you give love, the more you get love.  And if you are a hugger, well, you know all this already. 

Brighten your day and someone else’s.  Hug someone today.  You will feel the love.

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com

I LOVE MY KIDS

I LOVE MY KIDS

My kids are spoiled.  Yep, I admit it.  I don't really care what anyone thinks about it.  They are my kids.  I'm fortunate that I make a good living.  That does make it easier when money can take care of something.

My kids both work.  Ashlie is totally self-sufficient but there are times that she does need help.  My philosophy is:  if you are doing what you are supposed to be doing, then I will help you.  Now sometimes, I just can't but for the most part I think I'm there.  She has definitely found her path and is marching through.

Cody works too and he is on the path to self-sufficiency.  He lives with me but he has to pay rent.  Why?  Because in the real world everyone has to pay rent.   He is also required (since he had to move back in with me) to give me all of his paycheck and then I give him money for food, bus, etc.  Before he moves out, he will have two month’s rent, deposit, transportation and money in savings.  The last few months he will have to show me that he can take care of his finances.

I wish I had been taught some of these lessons when I was in my 20's.  It would have made my life so much easier.  I want them to be spared from the mistakes of being young if I can.  I tell them often, I'm not smarter than you; I have just lived longer.

I make them Easter baskets and Christmas stockings. I buy them souvenirs everywhere I go.  If they are in a bind, I'm going to be there.  If they need my help, they know they can call me.  If I can help, I will.  If they need to talk, I'll listen and try my best not to give unsolicited advice.

No matter how angry we get with each other (flashback teenage years), or how much we dislike each other at the moment, I want them to know this one thing to the core of their being:

I am their mother.  Even if I don't particularly like them at a particular time, I will always love them forever and a day.  I want them to always, always know that no matter what, I'm just a phone call away.  And if you have or had that with your mom, you are blessed.

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com

READING IS FUN!

READING IS FUN!

I have been a reader since I was about 10.  I remember my grandmother giving me these tiny leather books.  She said I could have each one I read.  I read them all.  In the 5^th grade I read all the Bobsy Twins books.  I guess that is when I started liking mysteries. 

Through the years I have read.  Sometimes more and sometimes less.  I used to tell my kids, “If you love to read, you will never be lonely.”  When they were growing up I bought magazines for them and put them in the bathroom.  There isn’t a lot you can do in the bathroom, you know.  But if you have something to read, well, it just helps pass the time.  J   I didn’t care what they read in there, as long as they were reading.

Cody had problems learning to read; Ashlie was reading before she was 4.   I remember when Cody was in the 4^th grade he was getting help for his reading.   I decided to buy him a Harry Potter book.  He got hooked.  He’s now 21 and is a voracious reader.  Ashlie was never that interested in reading outside the bathroom but she did read those magazines.  At 22 she also is a reader.  I’m so glad I planted those seeds of reading. 

I have been lax about my reading the past few years.  I could give you lots of reasons but you know it all comes down to laziness.  I chose to do something else.  I decided I would start reading again.  I do love the solitude of reading.  I love how the characters get flushed out.  When I read, I almost always here the author’s voice.  When I find an author enjoy I read every book they write.

Right now I’m reading Dani Johnson’s First Steps to Wealth.   I think informational books on how to better your life are essential.   Probably my favorite fiction writer is James Patterson.   I hadn’t read one of his books in a couple of years so I bought ALEX CROSS RUN.  I love his writing, his story lines and I love that he starts every chapter on a new page and he writes short chapters.  You can read a couple of chapters in 10-15 minutes.  I got into it immediately.  I know it will get me back into my regular reading.

And you know where it is kept?  Yep, it’s in my bathroom!  

I HAVE A SECRET LOVER

I HAVE A SECRET LOVER

Yes, it’s true.  I do have a secret lover.  He belongs to me.  I don’t want to share him with anyone.  I don’t want anyone to know about him.  I want him to myself.  Alone.  I don’t even want other people to know he is with me.  Most ofTen I want him at night.  But not always.  And you know what?  Whenever I need him or want him, he is always there.  Ready to satisfy me.  My secret lover is FOOD.

I use food to feel the emptiness that I’m sometimes faced with.  When I use food to replace what I’m lacking, I never let others see me.  He’s mine.  All mine.  I don’t even want others to know this is what I do.  Because like all secret lovers, there is shame and regret after he visits.  A lover is a good thing.  Just like food is a good thing.  We have to have food to live; we have to have love to live.  But when it is done in secret, it is destructive.

I normally want my secret lover, food, in my bedroom.  I don’t want to talk to other people.  I certainly don’t want to share my lover with them.  I don’t even want them to know he is in my room with me.  How many times have I bought that food that was going to make me feel better and then had to replace it so no one in the house would know I ate an entire cake, or a gallon of ice cream or a bag of cookies?  How many times have I taken it outside to the garbage in the middle of the night, hidden in another bag, so no one would know?

I am tired of this secret lover.  He doesn’t love me.  He doesn’t like me.  He likes me fat.  He likes me miserable.  If I wasn’t fat and miserable, I wouldn’t need him.   He has caused me misery for decades.  Yet time after time when that hole deep inside just seems too much to bear, I really think at that moment he will feel me up.  He never does.  I feel worse after he is gone.

I have decided to get rid of my secret lover.  I thought about how I can do this?  I have to eat.  Right?  Now, I’ll tell you my plan but I admit I am very scared.  I have decided to never eat alone again.  No more eating in my bedroom.  No more eating at night when the house is quiet and everyone is asleep.  From now on, I am only going to eat out in the open, which is normally what I do unless I need my alone time with food.  When I stuff myself to try to fill that void. 

I am going to say good-bye to my secret lover.  As I write this I have to admit I am crying.  I’m scared.  He’s been in my life for 53 years.  But I know, the time has come.  Like any secret lover, once you truly realize that they don’t love you, want you and are certainly not good for you, you have to make a choice.  Do you do what is good for YOU or do you stay and keep accepting what you have been?

I am going to let him go.  I don’t want him anymore.  I want to be complete without him.  I want to find something else to feel that black hole.  And I am going to do it.

Good-bye my secret lover.  It’s time for you to go.

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

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STOP DIGGING AND MAKE A PLAN!!!

STOP DIGGING & MAKE A PLAN!

Sometimes I think we overanalyze when it comes to solving problems.  Ya’ll know that I have been dealing with overeating in response to external things affecting my life.  I’ve wrestled with it.  I’ve thought about it.  I’ve looked at it up and down and inside and out.

I just keep thinking, if I could just figure out WHY I do this, then I could fix it.

I was talking to my friend Ileene this morning about lots of things.  I brought this up and told her I didn’t care what it took I was going to conquer this.  Even if I have to go back into therapy.  Which I refer to as scab picking.  You know.  You heal for a week and then you go back in and pick the scabs till they bleed.  And for good measure you usually have salt poured in the open wound and then scrubbed with a brillo pad.  That is right before you are told, “You’re hour (which is really only 50 minutes) is up!  See you next week!”  You scrape your wounded body up off the floor and drag yourself home.  You return the next week to do it all over again.

Ileene wrote me the following, “Well, I think you have taken the 1st ....well actually the 2nd step toward recovery. The 1st is admitting there is a problem......the 2nd would be opening up and making others aware........the thing is, you may never fully understand just exactly why but you do fully understand that you do and the need for it to stop so you can move on. I believe all we can ever do is say "I think" this is the reason. Evidently it was something that started years ago and is triggered time and again......seems to me you have recognized what triggers it.....so that may be the 3rd step.......you are moving on up!!! As I see it, you are at the 4th step......as soon as the trigger happens, learning to redirect from wanting to gorge!!! See, you are doing great! It should be somewhat easier since you know it is coming!”

What really stood out to me was this:  “the thing is, you may never fully understand just exactly why but you do fully understand that you do and the need for it to stop so you can move on. I believe all we can ever do is say "I think" this is the reason. Evidently it was something that started years ago and is triggered time and again......seems to me you have recognized what triggers it”   This just makes sense to me.  Do we really have to dig and dig to find out what causes it?  What if it is more than one thing or incident?  Must we dissect every possibility before we can just recognize, change and move on?

Ileene is right.  I do know what brings on the binges.  It’s feeling like I have being taking advantage of and/or being used and not being appreciated.  I get it!  So I just need a plan in place for the next time it happens.  What can I do to make myself feel better without hurting myself?  Eating gives me that temporary feeling of filling the hole of unworthiness.  She made some suggestions:  go buy a new outfit, find something else that will satisfy you or pick you up.  There are things that could help me fill that void I have inside without punishing myself by overeating.  What I’m going to concentrate on in the next few days is making a list of different things I can do to feel the void without filling my stomach.  I know that one size fits all won’t work.  I need a list of things to choose from.  Dancing might work one time and not the next.  I have to build my arsenal.

I remember when my ex stopped drinking on January 11, 1981.  Whenever he felt that stress or feeling that made him want to drink, he would buy a pint of ice cream and eat it.  He said the sugar would enter his bloodstream quickly and give him that calm that alcohol had done.  I didn’t understand it but it seemed to work for him.  That first year I bet he ate 50 gallons of ice cream.  Until he was in the hospital last month, I doubt he had eaten a pint of ice cream in years.  It’s been 33 years and he is still alcohol free.

That is going to be me.  The next time I’m faced with a situation that normally turns me into a binging nut, I’ll have my tools ready.  And you know I’ll be posting and sharing how I do.  If I fail, I’ll let you know.  And when I succeed, I’ll let you know that too.  I’m in it to win it.  I want my kids to say when I die, “You know mom decided to stop binging in 2014 in response to her feelings.  It’s been 30 years and she died binge free.”  Yep, that is what I want them to say!

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com/?SOURCE=BLOG

A COUPLE OF NON-SCALE VICTORIES FOR ME

A COUPLE OF NON-SCALE VICTORIES FOR ME:

1. I can sit in ANY chair and cross my legs at the knee without it looking like a man.

2. I can sit in ANY chair without checking to see if it's wide enough or strong enough to hold me.

3.. Friday night I had to walk between two table (about 30 feet) with people sitting in all the chairs on both sides. I was able to walk between them without touching either side and I didn't even turn side ways.

These are much more important than the numbers on a scale!

Am I cute or what?

Copyrighted 2014
Caryn Cannatella

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THE SWIMSUIT

THE SWIMSUIT

Since my first swimsuit at 16, every suit I have ever owned has had a skirt:  some short and some long, or what I call my “formal” swimsuits.  

The other night I was looking at swimsuits and thinking about what kind I would get after my reconstructive surgery.  After I lose another 60-75 pounds I am going to have all the excess skin removed, everything lifted and tucked.    My abdomen weighs over 25 pounds.  I know it does because I’ve weighed it.  My upper arms are the size of most people’s thighs.  My upper arms and abdomen are very much out of proportion to the rest of my body.  Close friends tell me that even now if those two places were fixed I’d probably wear a 12.  I don’t know.

While I am excited about having that petite body that has hidden inside me all my life be released,  I am having some issues.    It all surfaced when I was looking at those swimsuits.  I’m just not sure I could ever wear just a regular one piece suit.  The other day when I was looking at them thinking about getting one after the surgery, I felt like I was having a panic attack.  It just looked to me like the most private parts of my body would now be so exposed.   I have to say it terrifies me.

I know it probably stems back to several things.  Most of you don’t know that I was sexually abused as a child.  I’ve been through many years of therapy and know that this really messes you up.  Many times our abdomens become larger in our body’s effort to cover our genitals.    Is that what it’s about?  I don’t know.

Is it because I’m afraid of my own sexuality and how I would handle just having my body so exposed?  I just keep hearing those words from when I was twelve that I would become a whore or if I wore certain clothes I would end up being raped.  I don’t know.  I just know it scares me so badly that the first thing I want to do is eat.  Doesn’t really matter what.

I am trying so hard to live healthy.  Eat right.  Exercise some.  I want to be free of everything that has kept me a prisoner in my own body for so so long.  I’ve really struggled the last few days.  I haven’t gone crazy but I just haven’t been as focused.    I want to figure out what I have to do to work through this.

I’m so proud of the weight I have lost and the way I have done it.  I’ve lost slowly, I’ve eaten healthy.  I haven’t tortured or abused my body this time.  I just don’t know how to get through this problem.  I think I fear being a normal size because I won’t act normal when I do.    I think I am afraid of becoming that whore that will get raped.

I know it’s not rational.  I know most probably think it is silly.  Intellectually I know it’s not true but in my head that is what I hear screaming over and over.

I'll make it through this.  I know I will!

copyrighted 2014

caryn cannatella

www.caryncann.com/?SOURCE=BLOG

LITTLE RED TICKETS

LITTLE RED TICKETS!

Most of you know that I gave up anger for Lent (No, I'm not Catholic.  I just like the practice of Lent).  It was great.  It wasnt until about 10 days ago that anger came back into my life.  Anger doesn't really want to visit me.  Anger wants to take up residence.  It's a battle at times.

I have to remind myself often that whatever I'm angry about really doesn't matter in the big scheme of life and most probably, I couldn't tell you what I was angry about a week later.  I rarely direct my anger at whoever has made me angry.  I redirect it to some unsuspecting soul who probably thinks I've lost my mind.

Three decades ago I worked for the owner of The Greensheet, Helen Gordon.  She was a formidable woman.  She gave me a chance to be in management and I'll forever be grateful to her.  She was stern.  She wore ultra suede suits every day of the year with 3 inch heels.  I worked for her 5 years and she wore a wig every day.  She smoked Parliament cigarettes and used a cigarette holder.  She believed in giving people a chance...her philosophy was, sink or swim, show me what you can do.  It was a great way for me to learn.

Anyway, we handled 100's of phone calls a day.  Most had been on hold for awhile so they werent always friendly when we got to them.  I remember one day Helen told me this story.  She said there was a man who was always receiving the anger of other people.  She said to think of them as little red tickets.  Every day this man took more red tickets.  He would stuff them down and keep going.

But one day, he just couldn't take it anymore.  He had taken too many red tickets.  And that was the day someone made the mistake of giving him one more red ticket.  And THAT person got all the red tickets he had been taking for so long.

This is why we shouldnt just take other people's red tickets.  Because some day we are going to throw those red tickets out.  Maybe, just maybe, what we should do is just refuse to take all those red tickets from other people.  Maybe if we could do that, we wouldnt have all those red tickets stuffed deep inside.

I heard Maya Angelou today say this, "Just remember, child, you arent in this."  If you aren't in it, let their anger just roll off you and keep rolling.

What do you think?

copyrighted 2014
caryn cannatella

www.caryncann2.com/