SHOULD I GO OR SHOULD I STAY?

SHOULD I GO OR SHOULD I STAY?

Ok, here goes.  This is a very hard and embarrassing thing to write.  I hope someone of you will understand how I am feeling.  But I am not going to lie to ya'll.  They say the truth will set you free.  I'm hoping by putting it in the light, it will help me.

I am struggling.  I'm frustrated.  I feel like a failure.  I have gained 10 pounds.   It goes down and comes back.  I admit I'm not eating the healthiest these days but I have gained 10 pounds in the past week.  I wore a pair of pants last Monday and they fit fine.  Saturday I tried them on and I couldn't even button them.

I've had this happen for 54 years.  The path of least resistance is to just give up.  Start overeating and just quit.  I hear those voices from the past over and over:  "What are you trying to do?  Gain 100 pounds?"   "Hurry and eat before she gets to the table."  "You're so pretty but......"   "It's so difficult to sew clothes for you."   "Your waist should be 24.  Your bust should be 36.  Your hips should be 36."  This is the one area of my life that I have consistently failed at.  And I learned at a very early age that for me, if I was fat I was unworthy.   Still fat.  Still unworthy. 

I''ve never stayed on a weight loss program this long, 18 months.  I don't want to fail.  I want to reach my goal of being healthy and lean.  If I don't, I'm gonna die early.  I promised my daughter I wouldn't do that.  I want to see my kids get married and have children. 

I know my body and nutrition better than anyone.  I know that low carb/high protein is what works best for me.  I know I have to exercise 4-5 times a week, every week.  It’s not a matter of IF I want to.  It’s a matter of HAVE to.

My choices are these:  give up, gain the weight back and die from complications of diabetes or get back on what works for me and accept that this is the way I must live.    I wouldn't let anyone pump my body full of penicillin because I know it would kill me.   I have to accept that I can't pump my body full of food, especially unhealthy food and lose weight, even more important, LIVE a long life.

I don't need pity.  I don't need to be told what I need to do.  I need support and encouragement.  If you are struggling on your weight loss journey or even starting one, join me.   Please.  I need your help.  And hopefully, you need mine. 

copyrighted 2015

caryn cannatella

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